“Obdurate”
Humor by Mort Laitner
I pulled into the Chevron gas station—the one right off the exit to I-75 and Griffin Road. The one I promised myself I would never return to. Two months earlier I stubbornly swore,
“These bastards ain’t never gonna get another buck of my money. They have some f’ing nerve to charge an extra twenty cents per gallon just because they are situated next to the highway. That’s at least a two dollar theft per fill up. They’re getting away with ripping off customers because of their location.”
My brain screams, “Location. Location. Location. Rip-off! Rip-off! Rip-off!”
But my need for gas and my urge for Hostess Sno Balls erased my money conscious memory bank.
Yup, Hostess—the corporation with a heart planted in its logo. The company founded on sweet treats, like Twinkies, Cupcakes, Ho Hos and Ding Dongs—baker of products beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside. (Reminder to young men this is what you look for when you try to select a wife.)
Yup, Sno Balls—those crème-filled chocolate cakes covered with marshmallow frosting and coconut shavings were stronger than a two dollar bill.
I rushed into the store, grabbed a pack of Sno Balls, paid the cashier and thought,”They cost so much more in convenience stores.”
I looked at the clear plastic package. Here were my favorites— Winter White, not Halloween Orange (Glo Balls), not St. Patrick’s Day Green (Lucky Puffs) not Spring Lavender (Hoppers) but the pure white color of my youth. A time when two Sno Balls cost a quarter.
At the pump, I inserted my credit card, looked at the price per gallon and cursed my chocolate addiction. I also cursed my laziness. There was another gas station two miles down the road.
I examined the pump—one of those “smart pumps” with a TV. I thought,
“WOW For an additional two bucks per tank, I get to watch commercials on the screen to get me back into the store and buy additional expensive stuff. How convenient! That’s real smart.”
Then to my surprise the word “obdurate” appeared on the screen. Followed by its definition,
“Stubbornly refusing to change one’s opinion or course of action.”
WTF this is a smart pump.
Do they now have an algorithm that identifies customers by their credit card number and teaches them vocabulary based on their IQ? How did they learn my IQ? The Russians must have taught them how to hack into my High School’s computer.
But I felt pretty good “obdurate” was a pretty highfalutin word. The machine must think I’m pretty smart.
Where was this gas pumping machine when I studied for the SATs?
As I drove out of the Chevron Station, with a mouthful of Sno Ball causing eruptions all over my taste buds, I realized, “Getting an education at a gas pump at twenty cents extra a gallon no longer seemed so bad. I know the cost of education is high and I do not want to be accused of being obdurate.”
What the readers are saying:
Damn Mort thank god you don’t have a drinking problem. Imagine the angst if it was a six pack of beer you over paid for LOL—Kim
Love it! Who ever thought at my age that I’d be pumping gas! Who ever thought I’d be pumping anything ! Actually a pump would probably be used to keep us going!
—Toby
Cute and nostalgic but with a vocabulary twist. nice thx for sharing.—Ricki
“Funny”—Steve
WTF? Who cares? The road you speak of. I-75, doesn’t even touch NY, let alone Sullivan County!!—Joel
Excellent—Barry
Very clever.—Phyllis
Love your story—-Marianne
Still have a craving for chocolates, eh Mort!
But too bad no Sonny and Cher music inside these Snowballs.—Lois
