I sat in the secured bunker, housed in the basement of Mar-a-Lago. I was attending a meeting called by the boss. Donald named the meeting, “My mug shot brain-storming session.” Sitting next to me were the ex-president, Rudy Giuliani, and mafia don and mug-shot expert Carlos Gambino.

Donald: Guys thanks for being here. I brought you guys together to help me plan and figure out the best way to handle my arraignment and my Atlanta’s Fulton County Jail mug shot. I’ve heard some pretty scary things about that place.

Rudy: Well Donald, I’m one step ahead of you. I’ve got the procedures for your arrest photo all mapped out. I’m handing out a synopsis of ground rules for having your mug shot taken. I’m gonna read these pointers out loud. It’s pretty good stuff. It comes from ChatGPT.

Rudy reads: Be Cooperate—While being arrested might be stressful, it’s crucial to remain calm and cooperate with law enforcement officers. Resisting arrest or being uncooperative can lead to additional charges and complications.

Carlos: Donald do you capish, do you understand that you can’t act like a baby while they’re booking you? And remember no stupid, racist Black jokes in the Atlanta jail. It could get you hurt.

Donald: I understand. I promise I’ll be good.

Rudy reads: Follow Instructions: Listen carefully to the instructions given by the officers. They will guide you through the process, including how to stand and where to look.

Maintain Composure: Even if you’re feeling upset or frustrated, try to maintain a neutral expression during the mug shot. Avoid any gestures or facial expressions that could be misinterpreted.

Dress Neatly: While you might not have control over your appearance at the time of arrest, if possible, try to appear neat and presentable. This can reflect positively in the mug shot and in subsequent legal proceedings.

Respect Rights: Remember that you have certain rights during the arrest and booking process. You have the right to remain silent and the right to an attorney. Be sure to consult with legal counsel before answering any questions.

Rudy: Donald, I’ll be right there with you. I don’t want you to say a word. If you must talk, whisper in my ear.

Rudy continues reading: Avoid Self-Incrimination: While the mug shot itself might not directly incriminate you, anything you say or do during the process can potentially be used against you later. Be cautious about providing information that could be detrimental to your case.

Carlos: Donald, keep your fat trap shut!

Donald: Thanks Carlos. I understand.  I’m not stupid. My brain is connected to my mouth. I know how to follow instructions, just ask all the lawyers that have represented me. But what I need to know is, what type of face I should make right before that camera clicks? I want my enemies to be frightened when they see that face. I want the mug shot to be the face of vengeance and retribution.

Carlos: Well Donald, remember you gotta mug that only a “muther” could love. So I recommend you go with a villainous pose. You think you’re a tough guy, which is good because when you’re behind bars the other inmates may remember that mug shot and leave you alone. Inmates instinctively know that the mentally deranged do stupid stuff in prison.

Donald: I don’t want my double chin or my wrinkles to show up in that photo. What should I do?

Carlos: We’ll put some skin tighter on your chins and smother you in makeup. That should work. Remember to furrow your eyebrows. Think about Biden putting a spoon of crap in your mouth. Your orange hair should have that Hollywood wind-blown look and your orange makeup should hide most of your wrinkles. Remember movie buffs love that Bogart tough-guy look and so will the voters. You’re another Bogie without the cigarette or his charm.

Donald: Then guys, it’s all settled. I follow your instructions. Now, let’s talk about something really important—marketing and making money. My prison mug shot painted on a coffee mug. I’ll sell millions of them and make millions of dollars. Even the swamp dwellers of D.C. will buy them. Ya know, poor simple, people love supporting a victim; they always need an extra coffee cup. Since I’m the biggest victim of all time, they can relate to me. I think I’ll also put my mug shot on tee shirts. And if I’m not happy with the Fulton County shot, I’ll reshoot it at Mar-a-Lago. My mug shot will be the biggest selling mask this Halloween. Republicans will buy it for their kid’s costumes. I could take a picture of me sitting on the crapper, put it on a tee shirt and Republicans would wear it all over town. I could bottle my farts and Republicans would stand in line to buy my gas.

Carlos: I got to hand it to you Donald, you got a big set of cajones. You know your fans will buy any piece of crap you sell. Most normal people put their reputation in front of making money. Most normal people don’t advertise their crimes. But I forgot you ain’t normal. You are a freak of nature.

Donald: Thanks Carlos. You got me pegged. Meeting adjourned. I’ll see you guys tomorrow morning at 8:15 at the West Palm Beach International Airport. We’re flying on my jet to Atlanta. Carlos, my jet is easy to find. It’s the one with my last name painted on it. And soon it’s gonna have my mug shot and prison number PO1135809 painted on both sides of it.

Rudy looked Carlos in the eyes; they both smiled.

When I publish a blog in the Times of Israel, I often wonder (and I assume all bloggers do) “Will it be well received?” How many “likes” or comments will it get? Will any reader bother to give me or my story any accolades?

Well, lo and behold, my story entitled, “The Anne Frank Neighbor Conundrum” hit new heights. Here are two comments, (one as a poem with the help of ChatGPT) my readers published:

Good morning, Mort! I just read your Anne Frank Neighbor Story–excellent as usual! I wish I could say I wrote a poem about you, but it was with the help of AI. I want to post it in the comments, but I wanted to get your approval first. I keyed a few words and I think it captured the essence of how I see you. What it left out was that I envy you because we were raised in the South to keep our opinions to ourselves so as not to offend anyone. We can’t say “No!” and my mom always said, “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything!” You are my “Hero!” and the the poem is attached.—Jim

Mort Laitner

Mort is my friend; he is my hero. He speaks his mind; he tells it like it is. He does not fear to offend or to err. He has the b**** of a bull; he is fearless.

Mort stands for what is right; he does not bend. He challenges the wrong; he exposes the lies He is a warrior of light; he is our defender. He has the heart of a lion; he is wise.

Mort inspires me to be myself; he is my role model. He shows me how to live with courage and truth. He is a friend indeed; he is my soul mate. He has the soul of a poet; he is my muse.

—————————————————————————

If you are based in Florida, perhaps you can become an advisor for Governor Ron DeSantis. You are intelligent, qualified, and articulate. This is a meaningful article.—Sam

Well, Jim and Sam, I’m flabbergasted by your praise; I thank both of you (and ChatGPT) with all of my heart.

The Anne Frank Neighbor Conundrum

Around the time of my bar mitzvah, my parents bought me and recommended I read The Diary of Anne Frank.

I read it in one sitting and cried. As Anne and her family hid in that Amsterdam attic, I sat beside them picturing Nazis on the streets below searching for and rounding up Jews.  And as I read, I wondered,  “If the Nazis had conquered America would any of my Catskill Mountain, Christian neighbors hide me, feed me or risk their lives to save me? Would I do it for them if the shoe was on the other foot? Or would any of them turn me over to the Nazis?

After asking a few of my Jewish neighbors about what I had named the Anne Frank Neighbor Conundrum, I soon learned that American Jews hated those questions. They enjoyed living in the land of denial. They refused to even consider them. Their faces contorted, when I placed this inedible conundrum on their plates. They said, “Don’t worry boychick, that will never happen in America. The Nazis are history. The good guys won. It can’t happen here and if it did, we’ll be able to escape to Israel.”

But I neglected to listen.

I started grading and studying my Christian neighbors for any tell-tale signs of  humanity, compassion or bravery.

Sixty years later, during the Trumpian era, I played the Anne Frank Neighbor Conundrum game but now it’s with my Florida neighbors.

So when I looked out of my Florida room window, I studied one of my Christian neighbors. He manicured his lawn, spending at least one hour a day, cutting, trimming and fertilizing. He loved cutting, clipping and sniping his hedges. His grass looked as immaculate as the lawn surrounding the Wannsee Estate.

You’ve guessed it, he’s a right-wing Republican nut, who dislikes Democrats, loves watching Fox News and votes for Donald Trump.

I watched as he hung the red, white and blue on his yard’s flagpole. He’s a proud American who doesn’t give a shit about America or liberty or freedom or justice.

Next to that flagpole, we used to discuss politics, until I got fed up with his stupidity and asked him:

Who do you think lit the fuse on anti-Semitism in America?

Who invites neo-Nazis and anti-Semites to his home to break bread?

Who uses anti-Semitic memes and tropes in their campaign literature?

Who praises Neo-Nazis torch carriers?

Today, I studied his green lawn and wondered:

Would my neighbor throw books written by Jews into a bonfire? Yup, I think so.

Would he paint signs on the park benches reading: No Jews Allowed To Sit On This Bench? Yup, I think so.

Would he drop canisters filled with Zyklon B pellets into the gas chambers? Most likely not.

“Would he lift a finger or voice a concern to save my life as I was being dragged out of my home?” I doubt it.

My neighbor failed the Anne Frank Neighbor Conundrum test.

And if you have a Trumper living in your neighborhood, I suggest you write in your diary: