My thumb and index finger march across the soft bristles of my white mustache. When they meet under my nostrils, I pause to consider my next move.
Yes, it’s time to draft my Fear of Arrest or Detainment Action Plan.
Or, as I like to call it, How to Avoid ICE in These Troubled Times.
I grab a pen and begin jotting down the essentials:
1. Mustache Removal.
Shave it off. No mustache, less Hispanic.
“But it’s been clinging to my upper lip for over fifty years,” I protest to myself.
Still, I can’t shake the memory of that ICE agent on TV declaring, “We stop people on the street based on their appearance.”
That’s chilling.
The ’stache has to go. It’s too risky. Not worth the hassle of detainment—or worse.
I think back to my days at the University of Miami, where strangers often mistook me for Cuban. They’d approach with eager smiles:
“¿Señor, habla español?”
And I’d answer sheepishly, “Lo siento… solo hablo un poco.”
2. Skin Tone.
No more tanning. My dark, swarthy complexion? Liability. Forget the beach. Forget poolside lounging. I’ll embrace pallor.
3. Cuban Designer Clothing.
The guayaberas have got to go. My short-sleeve blues, yellows, and burnt oranges—boxed up, shoved to the back of the closet. They’ll stay hidden until this Ice Age melts away.
4. Documentation.
From now on, my passport travels with me everywhere—tucked right next to my driver’s license.
I sit back, reviewing the list.
Not bad. A solid start.
Yes, I tell myself, I am a man of action.
And as the Iceman cometh, I’ll be ready.
Thumbs up:
Pablo
Candice
Patrick
Sampson
Perry
Joel
Joanne
Joe
Eric
Doreen
Zeny
Cary
Geoffrey
Rosalyn
Benny
Mark
Karen
Heather
Joseph
Ryan
Robert
