Speaking at the Sneaker and Bible Hawkers Convention in Kiss-My-Butt, Arkansas, Donald Trump told Republican voters to stay home on election day if they’re going to hold their noses when they vote for him.
Wearing his signature, $399.00 “Never Surrender” Gold Hi Tops, Trump told the crowd, “I’d rather not have those people voting for me than having the media showing pictures of them with their thumbs and index fingers squeezing their proboscises while they’re pulling voting machine levers . It’s embarrassing! And as all of you are well aware, I’m not easily embarrassed.”
Trump then picked up one of his $59.99 America-and-G-d-Vote-for-Trump Bibles, waved it high in the air, as if he was an Evangelical preacher and ranted, “You know what people will think, when they see those pictures on TV? They’ll think I stink. They’ll think I wear diapers. They’ll think I don’t use Trump Cologne and Trump Underarm Deodorant. Some folks may think my policies stink or that my credit stinks or that my crude behavior stinks or that my brilliant ideas stink or that I have halitosis or worst of all that my money stinks. My money smells real damn good. My sneakers don’t reek. Even the gases that escape from my mouth and my asshole don’t stink. Flatulence, smatulence, my gases don’t smell. You can ask two of my three wives. They’ll tell you the truth.
If you can’t vote for me without holding your noses, stay home on November 5th. I’d rather lose to Biden than have people think I stink.
You know, I bet that the Dems will hire actors, dress them in MAGA outfits, and tell them to walk around polling stations holding their noses. The media will eat it up. Now that’s Democratic stinkin’ behavior. I would never stoop that low.”
Trump raised his left arm, craned his neck in the direction of his armpit and proclaimed, “G-D KNOWS I DON’T STINK!” Biden smells to high heaven but his supporters aren’t holding their noses.
Trump howled like a constipated banshee, “If any of you good sneaker sellers or bible thumpers what to take a whiff, come on up to the podium and have a smell. I promise you I smell as clean as an angel or Barbie’s bush.”
Since no one took the Donald up on his offer.
The ex-president closed his speech by pleading, “Folks, before you leave this convention, please remember to buy my sneakers and while you’re at it, buy one or more of my bibles. They make great Easter gifts. And most importantly, remember that when you vote for me to keep your damn fingers away from your noses.”
