The night before their congressional hearing, three presidents from prestigious American universities (Harvard, MIT and Penn) met in the penthouse suite in Washington’s Dupont Plaza Hotel. They had set up this meeting to brain-storm, to coordinate their talking points and to plan their strategy on how to avoid sounding like antisemities.
Over merlots and martinis, they tried to drink away their fears. And as they nibbled on hors d’oeuvres they wondered, “Is my career in jeopardy?”
Harvard: Ladies, thank you for agreeing to meet tonight. My staff has put together this list of historical subjects about our schools that we should try to avoid talking about. You know, the less said, the better. My staff has gone the extra mile by also suggesting answers, if we’re asked questions on these subjects.
Harvard read aloud:
1. Our school’s history of discriminating against Jewish students and faculty in the 1920s through the 1950s. That’s when our universities had a 10% quota on Jews.
Possible answer: That was a long time ago. We don’t have quotas today. Our university has plenty of Jewish professors and students.
2. The amount of money Arab countries are channeling into our Middle Eastern Studies programs.
Possible answer: Without divulging numbers, say, “When it comes to donations or grants, our schools don’t discriminate. All money is green to us. Further, we don’t let donations interfere with any of our decision-making processes.
3. Our school’s embracing and pushing eugenics (Inferior races, blacks and Jews, should be eliminated) in the 30’s and the fact that even Adolf Hitler in letters to our faculty commended and appreciated our eugenic studies;
Possible answer: Only a limited number of our professors pushed the elimination of the mentally changed or disabled from having children by sterilizing them.
4. Our schools continued to run joint study with German universities after the Nazis expelled Jewish students, fired Jewish professors and burned books written by Jewish faculty members;
Possible answer: At the time, we didn’t know Hitler was going to kill six million Jews.
MIT: Thanks for those pointers. But what about if members of the congressional delegation ask us, “If the calling for the genocide of Jews violates our codes of conduct?”
Harvard: Play lawyer on them, just add a qualifier, like, “That depends on the context.” Talk about freedom of speech. Many of the folks on the congressional delegation didn’t attend an Ivy. Therefore, they’re unable to think on their feet.
Penn: Very funny but how do we explain our lack of concern for the safety of Jewish students on campus?
MIT: We can plead ignorance. We can advise them that we’ll be more than willing to look into the matter and take affirmative steps.
Harvard: I like these proposed answers but what are you ladies wearing to the hearings?
MIT: I’m thinking about an outfit in my school colors and a yellow silk scarf embossed with my school’s insignia.
Penn: I’m thinking blue skirt with a white blouse. It’s a twofer. They’re Hanukkah colors and the colors of the Israeli flag. I’ll accent my outfit with one of those cute little joint Israeli/ American flag pins. I’ve used that outfit when I’m trying to land rich Jewish donors. It works.
Harvard: I’m thinking blood red, representing the blood of the Palestinians. None of the committee will get the symbolic nature of my outfit. I’ll accessorize it with a red, white and blue American flag broach. Those clowns in Congress love wearing American flag jewelry. You know what they say, “When in Rome…”
MIT: Ladies, thanks for coming to this meeting. Try to get a good night’s sleep. See you in the morning. Remember ladies, no show of emotions. We don’t want the Jews to think, we really care about them. And I don’t think I have to say this, but I’m going to say it anyway. Above all, let’s not “F” this up. Let’s not embarrass ourselves or our universities with any stupid answers. Remember we’re the best. We’re Ivys.
Moshe and Mordechai sat in Katz’s Bakery, in Liberty, New York, enjoying their breakfast.
Moshe bit into his bialy, chewed, swallowed and said, “Mordechai, this morning, I watched a show on Netflix called, “The Toys That Built America. It’s a great series. You should watch it. The episode I watched was about G.I. Joe. Remember how your boys loved playing with those real American heroes. They spent hours screaming, smashing and pretending they were macho soldiers winning wars for America. They spent hours shooting G.I. Joe’s rifles, tossing his hand grenades and pushing his jeep up hills and through rivers. They loved pretending they were Rambo. It made them feel like men.
Do you recall when we were kids in the ’50, we’d spent days playing with grey, brown and green plastic toy soldiers. We’d set up two armies, the Nazis versus the Americans. We’d line them up and then smash them down. The Americans always won.
Since we’re talking about winners and losers, did you watch the news last night?
“Yup, I did.”
“Did you see those Jewish kids being threatened and beaten up by those pro-Palestinian mobs.”
“Yup and it was happening at prestigious universities, like Harvard, MIT, Penn and NYU. Those schools don’t seem to give a shit about their Jewish students.”
Moshe, I lay the blame for those kids’ problems on their Jewish mothers. Do you remember in the late 80’s, Jewish moms stopped buying war toys, like G.I. Joe for their sons? Those mothers chanted, ‘War toys: What are they good for? Absolutely Nothing!’
Well, those mamales were absolutely wrong. It seems that Jewish moms have a propensity for screwing up their kids.”
“Mordechai, you got to be kidding me? You can’t believe what you’re saying. And why do Jewish mothers always get blamed for everything?”
“Nope, I’m not kidding and I believe it. When I was at UM and the Iraqi government was hanging Jews, we protested and a mob of Arab students tried to break it up. It turned into a major brawl. Fists were flying everywhere. No running. No backing down. We stood our ground. We weren’t afraid of bloody or broken noses. We fought like G.I. Joes.
Today’s smart Jewish kids never fought for anything except their grades. Today’s American Jewish kids have been brainwashed into believing their school will protect them. They think their only option is to run and barricade themselves in their dormitories. They talk flight, and not fight. They’ll run and hide by transferring to a safer school. And their parents are no help. They think just because they’re laying out 100 grand a year in fees, that these Universities should be providing bodyguards for their kids. Boy, are they wrong.”
“My friend, you know you make a good point. When I get home, I’m going online and I’m going to buy my grandsons a bunch of war toys, like G.I. Joes. This college generation of Jewish kids may be beyond help but my grandkids won’t be.”
