Boris and Natasha—-Nostalgic Cartoon Humor By Mort Laitner

Published Post author

boris

 

 

Natasha: Dahling, are we going to steal the US election as a present for our Fearless Leader?

Boris: Natasha, first allow me to introduce myself to these lovely people. My name is Boris Badenov and this is my beautiful partner, Natasha Fatale. In the 1960’ties, ve vere Soviet spies. Ve now vork for Russia’s new president. His code name is Fearless Leader.

Natasha: Dahling, now please answer my question.

Boris: Of course, ve are my little Russian pumpkin seed. Ve have already planted one of our paid agents as his campaign manager. Ve have gotten him to be our, how do they say it in Hollywood, ah yes, Manchurian Candidate. He owes our Russian comrades lots of money and he will never release his tax returns. So the Americans vill never no how much he is in our pocket.

Natasha: Our Fearless Leader praises him and immediately he responds like an Amazonian parrot. He calls the Fearless Leader— a man he wants to emulate. The KGB finds him too easy to manipulate with those small hands and that gigantic ego. 

Boris: Ve got him to say he not a fan of NATO and he may not protect those little Eastern European nations like Estonia. He doesn’t care about treaties. They are only vords on paper. Vhen ve hand him those emails, he vill vin the election.

Natasha: The Fearless Leader will be so happy with us. He will promote us, give us a dasha and a metal. 

Boris: But first my sweet cup of borsht, remember ve must get the moose and squirrel.

What the readers are saying:

Vas vaiting for moose and squirrel dahling!!— Cary

Inspired, huh?  Love it, Mort.  I think Moose and Squirrel can be found in the House of Representatives, not present for important votes.
 Keep up the great work.—
Natasha and Boris
Hello again. Do you remember me?
I am cousin Dmitri – second cousin twice removed from Aunt Olga and Uncle Tiberius! I vant to go to American inauguration. I’m so used to cold here in my little Dasha in Siberia vhat difference could it make? Vearing a fur coat I’m used to! I could help serve Beluga caviar and Wodka to all the incoming politicians! I learn to say ‘Yes’ and ‘Thank You’ already! Such a vit I am. Please send ‘It is okay’ by the next droshki leaving at daylight! Now to go back to Russian soap opera “As Mother Russia Turns!” Luv, Cousin Dmitri.

 
 Have you ever met Cousin Dmitri? I think he overdid at Block party in downtown Siberia. Actually Block party was big dance around huge block of ice dragged from river for annual celebration!
 Ha..Ha..Ha….!!!—Norma
 Keep writing and sharing this!—Marianna

Hahahahaha…hahaha!!!—Eva

 

View a 39-second film trailer of “The Stairs” at https://mortlaitner.com/the-stairs/.

Hot of the presses Mort’s latest book, “The Greatest Gift— Award Winning Stories Filled with Life Lessons” or $10.00 on Amazon

https://www.amazon.com/Greatest-Gift-Award-Winning-Stories-Lessons/dp/0996036911/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473472933&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=the+greatest+gift+mort+laistner

For Autographed copy send $14.00 to address below.

Follow Mort at Mortlaitner.com, Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, Pinterest and Twitter  @LaitnerMort
 http://www.amazon.com/A-Hebraic-Obsession-Mort-Laitner/dp/0996036903

For autographed copy of book send check or money order made out to Mort Laitner in the amount of $25.00 hard cover or $18.00 paperback to Mort Laitner, 8679 SW 51st Street, Cooper City, Florida 33328. These costs include shipping and handling.

Share
August 18, 2016

Roller Coaster

Published Post author

220px-Nitro_coasterRoller Coaster

By Mort Laitner

I tap on my email. My inbox notifies me that 25 news messages await my perusal. I scan down the list. Two back-to-back messages from FilmFreeway say,”Judging Status for “The Stairs” has changed.” My heart beat accelerates as my index finger gets ready to tap on the screen. My brain says,”This is going to be a wild “twofer” roller coaster ride.

Tap.

Congratulations!

Mountain Shadow 2nd Annual Short Film Competition has updated the Judging Status of your submission “The Stairs” to Accepted.

Smile.

One down and one to go.

Tap.

Congratulations!

Indiana Short Film Festival has updated the Judging Status of your submission “The Stairs” to Accepted

A great big amusement-park smile. What A Twofer. Great title for a blog. What a ride. Wins #12 and #13 arrive almost simultaneously. Unrestrained joy.

Having been raise right, I write a thank you note to both festivals. I believe the roller coaster ride is over. Boy was I wrong.

Within the time it takes to tear a amusement park ticket, “A Dear John” email arrives in my inbox.

Thank you for your message, Mort. Unbeknownst to us until now, the FilmFreeway site erroneously generated a message to numerous submissions to our Annual Film Competition. The volunteer who has been handling the FilmFreeway portal has recently corrected the problem and posted a notice. Your film was likely among 164 films placed in an ‘Accepted’ category to be reviewed and judged by our 21 jurors. In fact, only 10 finalists were selected from hundreds and hundreds of submissions for our 90-minute program, and your film is not included in that list. Our apologies for the error, thank you for your submission, and best of luck with your craft.
 
John of Mountain Shadow

 

My heart plummets at the speed of the Coney Island Cyclone. Life sure does have its ups and downs.

Well, we did get win #12 and in 2014 the Indiana Short Film Festival was rated the fourth best short film festival in the USA  by North America’s Best Short Film Festivals.

View a 39-second film trailer of “The Stairs” at https://mortlaitner.com/the-stairs/.

Hot of the presses Mort’s latest book, “The Greatest Gift— Award Winning Stories Filled with Life Lessons” or $10.00 on Amazon

https://www.amazon.com/Greatest-Gift-Award-Winning-Stories-Lessons/dp/0996036911/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473472933&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=the+greatest+gift+mort+laistner

For Autographed copy send $14.00 to address below.

Follow Mort at Mortlaitner.com, Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, Pinterest and Twitter  @LaitnerMort
 http://www.amazon.com/A-Hebraic-Obsession-Mort-Laitner/dp/0996036903

For autographed copy of book send check or money order made out to Mort Laitner in the amount of $25.00 hard cover or $18.00 paperback to Mort Laitner, 8679 SW 51st Street, Cooper City, Florida 33328. These costs include shipping and handling.

Share
August 17, 2016

VR—A Dystopian Tale

Published Post author

VR—A Dystopian Tale

 1984c

 

 

 

By Mort Laitner

Filled with anticipation, I walked into my neighborhood Virtual-Reality store. The dank air filled my nostrils as my eyes adjusted to the darkness of the chamber. Standing in front of the counter, I glimpsed at the balding, bespectacled cashier. He held a dog-eared, paperback copy of Orwell’s “1984”. The cover read:

GEORGE

ORWELL

NINETEEN

EIGHTY-

FOUR

Inserted in the center “O” of the word FOUR was a vein popping, reddened eye filled with a dilated black pupil. The eye starred at me.

“How much to rent an Oculus Rift and a room for a half hour? I asked.

“Fifteen bucks and you get your choice of one VR activity and environment for free,” he replied.

I thought for a second and then asked,” Can I see your program catalogue?”

The clerk handed me the ten-page booklet. In all caps, 20 point font the cover read:

THE OCULUS RADICALLY REDEFINES DIGITAL ENTERTAINMENT.

IMMERSE YOURSELF IN IT.

STEP INTO THE FUTURE.

I glanced through the first five pages. They were filled with titles and subtitles covering your typical array of pornographic delights. But on page six I found a program that caught my interest—Trump World—Travel to the Future and Experience it.

I handed the cashier a twenty, and said “I’ll take Trump World.”

He returned a five, the Oculus and two hand controls.

“I’ve seen you here before, haven’t I?”

“You know the rules? he queried.

I glanced at the back wall where the rules were painted in black.

I nodded and gave him a soft “Yup.”

He passed me a pen and a general release form. “Please read it and sign on the bottom line.”

Then in his high-pitched voice, he volunteered, “Good choice. These days, that’s a really popular number. But it’s a bit scary. Pass through the hallway and on your left you’ll see a green door marked with a five. Your session will end in 30 minutes. If you feel ill, we recommend you remove the Oculus and leave the room and take a five minute break.”

Walking down the hall, I heard the cashier staple the receipt to my release form.

Entering Room 5, I put on the finger controls and placed the Oculus over my eyes. The Oculus was a bit heavy.

I had entered a new reality. My virtual hands were in sight. Wiggling my fingers, I watched them move.

I stood in an average-looking American town—on Main Street. Seeing no one, I started walking down the street. The store fronts looked like Middletown in the Sixties.

I touched a parking meter and the fender of a Ford. The cold metal sent a shiver up my spine.

Next to the parking meter, I saw a poster attached to a stop sign. It read,

Declaration of Martial Law,

The following constitutional rights have been suspended by order of the President and shall stay in effect  until further notice: The right to assembly, the right to bear arms,  and the right to practice any religion.

Remember there is a nightly curfew in place commencing at dusk and terminating a dawn. failure to obey curfew shall lead to immediate imprisonment.

All citizens must carry their ID cards at all times. Failure to possess an ID shall lead to immediate imprisonment.

Failure to immediately obey any police order may lead to your execution.

It was signed by President Trump.

Another shiver froze my spinal column.

Then I stopped in my tracks. Plastered to the wall above the Walgreens sign was a 20×20 mural of Trump. He made his imperial face. The one that said: I am your emperor. Above the mural were the words, TRUMP IS ALWAYS WATCHING YOU!

I starred remembering the Communist and Fascist posters that adorned the walls of Moscow, Rome and Havana.

In a window, in the center of the wall, a grandmotherly figure peered out at me. She hid behind a off-white lace curtain. “Was she spying on me?”

Before I had determined the answer to my question, I noticed two brown-shirted policemen walking in my direction. They carried Uzis. My heart palpated, adrenaline ran through my veins and my fight-or-flight mode kicked in.

The two cops wore embroidered TRUMP POLICE caps. The younger cop removed his cap to wipe his brow. As he held his hat in his hands, I glanced at the tag—” Made in China”.

The older Aryan-looking officer yelled, “Halt or we are going to shoot.”

I froze.

“Put your hands in the air! Quickly raise your G-d damn arms!”

I raised my arms and begged, “Please don’t shot!”

“Where is your identity badge?” barked the older cop.

Now my tongue froze, my stomach flipped, I tasted vomit leaving my stomach and crawling up my esophagus.

I pulled off the Oculus and the finger controls. I ran out of Room 5, toward the cashier; toward the bathroom; toward the toilet.

I washed the puke from the rim of my mouth. I washed the sweat of my face. I needed more than a break. I needed to get the hell out of Trump World.

 

What the readers are saying:

Love it! Welcome to the Trumpite Zone. Do not read before going to sleep! It will be your worst nightmare!—Toby

Julie Hagan Bloch Wow. A teensy bit of hyperbole there ( 😉 ), but probably indicative of what the Don wants. Eeeekkk!

Anita Shur Greenberg Love it! (A few auto corrects you need to fix). You are always right on point!!

 

Funny but I still have the late 90s book about Hillary called “Big Sister is Watching You!”
Don’t you feel the Bern? Still? Oh, all is lost. Shall I move to Canada?—  Eva

View a 39-second film trailer of “The Stairs” at https://mortlaitner.com/the-stairs/.

Hot of the presses Mort’s latest book, “The Greatest Gift— Award Winning Stories Filled with Life Lessons” or $10.00 on Amazon

https://www.amazon.com/Greatest-Gift-Award-Winning-Stories-Lessons/dp/0996036911/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473472933&sr=1-1-fkmr0&keywords=the+greatest+gift+mort+laistner

For Autographed copy send $14.00 to address below.

Follow Mort at Mortlaitner.com, Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, Pinterest and Twitter  @LaitnerMort
 http://www.amazon.com/A-Hebraic-Obsession-Mort-Laitner/dp/0996036903

For autographed copy of book send check or money order made out to Mort Laitner in the amount of $25.00 hard cover or $18.00 paperback to Mort Laitner, 8679 SW 51st Street, Cooper City, Florida 33328. These costs include shipping and handling.

Share
August 15, 2016