I recently received an email from the Quinnipiac Polling Company.

Here’s how it read:

Hi Mort, it’s Jack from Quinnipiac.

We’re conducting a survey of loyal Republican voters and true followers of the Christian faith.  We need your help. We’re trying to determine the reasons you and others like you support Donald J. Trump for the presidency.

We have been hired by the Republican party to do this survey for the purpose of swaying independent voters toward Donald Trump.

Your responses shall help President Trump win the 2024 election. This survey should not take more than a few minutes of your time. All questions are simple enough for Republicans to understand. If you have no opinion or do not understand the statement just leave the question blank. All of your answers shall be kept strictly confidential.

Thanks for your time and your valued opinions.

Signed: Jack and The Good Folks at Quinnipiac

The Reasons I Support Donald J. Trump

Please circle “Y” for Yes or “N” for no:

1. As a stable genius, President Trump has learned how to properly launder hush money to pay off porn stars—Y—–N
2. The only time Donald Trump ever touched a Gideon Bible was when he used it to spank motel whores on their bare bottoms—Y–N
3. Trump is so old that he thinks Taylor Swift is one of his wives—Y—N
4. Trump is so old he thinks the Gaza Strip is the name of one of his favorite strippers——-Y—N
5. Trump is so old that he thinks Jim Crow is a whiskey—Y—N
6. Trump is so old he thinks he invented the moral compass—Y—N
7. Donald Trump was born without a conscience, a moral compass and even one compassionate bone in his body. A fact he demonstrated when he ordered the separation of babies from their mothers and put the babies in cages.—Y—N
8. As a stable businessman, President Trump only hires and secures the services of  professional fixers, hookers and porn stars—Y—–N
9. Donald managed to Make America Great Again during the COVID crisis by peddling fake cures that killed people—Y—N
10. Which word best describes Donald J. Trump: TRAITOR, INSURRECTIONIST or SCUMBAG
11. As he promised, Donald Trump got Mexico to pay for our border wall, secured it and completed the project in his four years in office—Y—N
12. Cancer patients love Trump because he stole money from a cancer charity to use for his own benefit and a consequence of his horrid behavior he’s now forbidden from running a charity in New York State—Y—N
13. Trump’s a political genius for admitting that he wants to be dictator-for-a-day; that he is going to abolish the IRS, the FBI, the Justice Department and the CIA—Y—N
14. I want my children to emulate Trump’s extraordinary sexual, moral and ethical behavior—Y–N
15.  As a family man, Trump holds an expertise on marrying and divorcing women and having children with each of them—Y—N
16. Trump holds the trifecta of cheating on his wives, making love to porn stars and watching hookers pee on  Russian beds—Y—N
17. Trump would follow the Gospel if he knew what it was—Y—N
18. Trump understands that women want their reproductive rights taken away from them by old white males—Y—N
19. Historians have determined that Donald J. Trump was the worst president in US history——-Y—N
20. Trump excels in barging into dressing rooms in a major department store, raping a young woman and then denying that it ever happened and claiming he never met her—Y—N
21. The Donald is qualified to manipulate that murderer and Russian dictator Vladimir Putin by giving him Ukraine, destroying NATO and selling him top-secret documents—Y—N
22. Trump excels in stealing, storing, hiding and selling classified documents—Y—N
23. Trump has set a new standard in hiring competent, trustworthy, non-corrupt cabinet members—Y—N
24. The Donald knows that he’s smarter than all U.S. generals put together because he watched Platoon twice—Y—N
25. Trump thinks before he speaks and he knows to wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom—Y—N
26. Donald knows how to pick sexy women for his wives and how to sneak them into the country—Y—N
27. Donald grabs women by their p**** and then loves bragging about it—Y—N
28. Donald is young, never lies and never forgets anything which includes how to put on his diapers—Y—N
29. Donald gave a trillion dollar tax break to the wealthy and thought it didn’t affect inflation—Y—N
30. Donald knows how to avoid paying his taxes so all of us have to pay his share—Y—N
31. Donald is a great businessman, with a vast knowledge of the bankruptcy code and how to perform valuations on real estate—Y—N
32. Donald loves naming things after himself and sticking his name on all sorts of crap. He’s like a dog using urine to mark its territory—Y—N
33. Donald Trump balanced the U.S. budget and he will do it again—Y—N
34. Donald’s not a liar, nor a bullshitter, nor a perjurer, nor a conman, nor a traitor, nor an insurrectionist. Just ask him—Y—N
35. Trump hung out and partied with America’s most notorious child molesters (Jeffery Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell) and bragged to the world, “Jeffrey is attracted to very young girls.” —Y—N
36. According his medical doctors, Donald’s only physical defects are his lack of cognitive skills, lack of guts and possessing too many bone spurs—Y—N
37. For some unknown reason, all Klan members and all Neo-Nazis love Donald Trump  —-Y—N
38. Donald will consider protecting NATO, Ukraine and Israel if he is paid the proper amount of compensation—Y—N
39. Donald Trump promises to consider not taking away a women’s or a Black’s right to vote without asking White southerners for their approval—Y—-N
40. Donald knows how to kill democracies and his past performance should not be held against him—Y—N
41. Donald seems to know that there is a document called the Bill of Right—Y—N
42. Donald Trump believes in freedom of religion as long as that religion is Christianity——Y—N
43. Donald Trump may have read Genesis; he may have written Mein Kampf ––Y—N
44. Donald Trump has never, knowingly, committed a sin nor sprayed the bathroom after producing his best work—Y—N
45. Donald Trump may have read the preamble to the Constitution—Y—N
46. Donald Trump knows how to select the absolute best, most expensive lawyers in America and have the Republican party pay their fees—Y—N
47. Donald Trump claims he knows how to tell when an election has been rigged and stolen—Y—N
48. Trump knows how to  hold up military aid to Ukraine and Israel in their time of need—–Y—N
49. Trump is a mug shot expert —Y—N
50. Trump, like all Mafia bosses, knows how to stiff employees and his lawyers—Y—N
51. The Donald thinks he’s smarter than the sheep that voted for him—Y—N
52. Trump goal in life is to violate all Ten Commandments and then brag about doing it——-Y—N
53. Donald is a flaming narcissist and a burnt out old man—-Y—N
54. Donald has a long history of committing frauds on numerous banks—Y—N
55. Donald knows how to break bread with neo-Nazis (Nick Feuntes), white supremacists and anti-Semites (Kanye West) that he invited into his home at Mar-a-Lago—Y—N
56. Donald loves ridiculing and mimicking the disabled—Y—N
57. Donald has figured out how to tell the difference between good and bad racists—Y—N
58. Donald doesn’t respect American prisoners of war (John McCain) nor the service men and women in the US Army, Navy, Air Force, Space Force, Coast Guard. He thinks they’re all a bunch of suckers—Y—N
59. Donald promises everything, delivers nothing and blames someone else—Y—N
60. Donald believes he’s securing the Black vote by selling them $400 gold sneakers with his initials on them—Y—N
61.  Donald Trump knows how to read and analyze what he has read—Y—N
62. Hispanics love Donald because he knows how to throw rolls of paper towels to them after a hurricane destroys their island
63. Blacks and Hispanics from El Salvador, Haiti and other African countries love it when Trump calls their countries “Shithole nations“—Y—N
64. Without even breaking a sweat, the Donald has the ability to destroy America,  make it a third-rate banana republic and make himself the richest man in the world—Y—N
65. Donald Trump has figured out on his own that if he threatens Americans with a civil war, they’ll vote for him—Y—N
66. Donald managed to Make America Great Again during the COVID crisis by peddling fake medical cures that killed people—Y—N
67. When it comes to pardoning criminals, Trump clearly understands how important pardons are——-Y—N
68. Donald Trump is a time-management expert. He can be embroiled in four criminal trials, three civil trials and still run for president all while playing 18 holes of golf ——Y—N
69. During the COVID crisis, Donald managed to kill more Americans than all the US soldiers who have died fighting for this great country—Y—N

Thanks for completing this survey.

Signed: Jack and The Good Folks at Quinnipiac

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After licking the peanut butter off of the edge of the knife, Richard Cory moistened his index finger, rubbed it across the paper plate and caught the last of the crumbs of burnt toast.

“I love living dangerously. I’m a reckless risk-taker.”

And as Cory digested his breakfast, he focused on Donald Trump on Fox unveiling his $399.00 “Never Surrender” Gold Hi Tops. Richard laughed. “This guy, a former president, was reduced to hawking sneakers. What’s next Tupperware? Doesn’t he understand that he surrendered his dignity for the American dollar. What an f’ing example for American kids.”

But Richard loved those sneakers.

He thought, “$399.00 for a pair of high tops, that’s pretty steep. They’re gaudy. They’re gold. They’re kitsch. They’re patriotic with those red stars, white soles and blue stripes.

He loved the shoe’s branding with that large gold capital letter “T.”

Cory imagined his friends asking, “Richard, do you have shit for brains? Only a moron would spend that much money on a pair of sneakers. Trump’s having them made in Chinese sweatshops, paying less than 50 bucks a pair and dumbass Republicans are shelling out 400 bucks for them. You’re not a member of that low IQ cult, are you? ”

“What a  conflict, what a conundrum, what inner turmoil. I’m stuck on the horns of a dilemma,” Richard fretted.

On one hand, he knew Trump was a conman, a criminal, an insurrectionist, a fraud, a rapist, a racist, a homophobe and a traitor to democracy, women’s rights, justice and the American way.

On the other hand, he wanted them.

The shoes talked to him, as if puppies in a pet shop window yelping, “Buy me. Buy me. Buy me. Please buy me.”

So Richard did.

And then he scratched his head and wondered:

When I step into and lace up those beauties will I change?

Will I take on some of  Donald’s traits?

So when the sneakers arrived on an Amazon truck, Richard’s smile grew to the size of the one painted on the side of the van.

He grabbed the box from the delivery man, forgetting to say thank you and ran into his house.

As he ran, he noticed that box felt warm and it gave off a light hint of sulfur.

Safely in his home, he screamed, “My babies have arrived. I can’t wait to put them on.”

Cory ripped off the wrapping paper, yanked off  the lid and ran his fingers across the soft leather. He loved the smell of new sneakers.

His eyes glistened with pride. “They’re beautiful and I own them. They’re mine.”

He slowly inserted his feet into the shoes and carefully laced them up.

They felt so comfortable that he thought about kissing them.

“Now, I’m off to the mall to break them in and to watch people’s reactions to my new shoes.”

As he walked about the mall, people stared, pointed and laughed. Richard didn’t care. He loved the attention.

But when he saw a large breasted blonde woman walking into Chico’s, she reminded him of a porn star or was it a hooker. His brain screamed, “Grab those humongous beauties. Grab her by the short hairs.”

This monster was not him. Had the devil taken possession of his soul? Had he lost control of his brain and his hands. He wanted to cop a feel. He wanted to follow her into the dressing room and have his way with her. She’d like it. She’d love it. And she’d never sue.

“What was happening? This is not me. Was it my Hi Tops? Were they cursed? Had Donald Trump infected my soul when I put on those sneakers?”

Richard yanked off the sneakers, ran barefoot to the nearest trash receptacle and threw them into the can.

A shoeless Richard Cory took a deep breath, pictured his mug shot and thanked G-d for allowing him the strength to throw away those shoes, He had avoided financial ruin and imprisonment.

“Thank G-d, I’m not burnt toast.”

As the former president rose from his bed, he stretched his torso, farted, and dislodged his eye boogers.

Then he asked his valet, “Matt, have you checked my GoFundMe page? Have we hit a million dollars?”

“Boss, I checked a few minutes ago and no you haven’t hit a million yet. But you’re getting there. Once you hit the million mark, you’ll only have 353 million bucks to go.”

Trump inhaled, smiled and thought, “My gas smells so sweet! I have the sweetest flatulence of all American presidents.”

“Matt, have you read last night’s emails?”

“Of course, Boss. Some of your fans, the ones that bought those gold sneakers, wrote that they’re embarrassed to send money to your GoFundMe page. It makes it hard for them to tell their friends that you’re a successful, billionaire businessman and send you cash at the same time.”

“Write them back and tell them that it’s my strategy to find out who my real supporters are. I’m taking names of GoFundMe donors to help me pick future cabinet members. You know that loyalty means the world to me.

For my fans that claim that my fundraising platform is an embarrassment, tell them to visit my GoFuckMe crowdsourcing site.”

The Donald laughed at his own joke.

“My critics say I don’t have a sense of humor. But I know I’m the funniest president in American history.”

Matt followed suit and then said, “Some fans are saying that you’re a genius for coming up with the GoFundMe scheme. While others are worried that GoFundMe will remove you from their pages because they no longer support legal defense funds.”

“Tell them not to worry. That ain’t gonna happen to me. I sent emails to the GoFundMe execs telling them, ‘If you dare remove my request for funds, you’ll end up swimming with the fishes and when I’m back in office the IRS will audit you and if you ever want to see your kids again you better not do it.’”

“Wow Boss, those are some pretty harsh words.”

“I had to show them that I meant business. I need every penny I can get.”

“Boss, before I bring you your coffee and your McDonald’s bacon, egg and cheese biscuit, do you need anything else?”

“Yeah, last night, did that clown, Laitner, post any derogatory blogs about me in The Times of Israel ?”

“No Boss.”

And The Donald smiled.

—