The Continuing Adventures of Boris and Natasha— Episode 5 “The Tweet”

Satire by Mort Laitner

Narrator: The last time we saw our nefarious duo, they were marveling at living in the White House while working on their spy craft. To their amazement, the president has invited them to join him in his private living quarters as he tweets during the late hours of night.

President: Boris and Natasha, thanks for coming up here at this hour. Pull up some chairs.

Boris: Ve are honored to be here in your illustrious presence. Ve love living in the Vhitehouse. You really know how make your guests feel right at home.

Natasha: Your chefs cook the most amazing dishes. Last night’s beef stroganoff vas as good as the dinner ve had in the Kremlin with our fearless leader—President Putin.

President: Well I have the greatest chefs in the world. They beg me to come work in the White House. I deserve great chefs because I am the greatest president in American history. I have only been president for four months and I am already known as the greatest. Fox News compared me to Lincoln, Washington and FDR and they determined in a fair and balanced way that I beat out those three by a mile.

Boris: Congratulations! In Russia, ve have always considered you the best. Ve are planning on erecting statues of you for all of the major cities in our country. Of course, these statues will be located next to Trump hotels. By the vay President Trump, Vladimir sends his varmest regards and asked us to convey his personal assurance that your secrets are safe in his hands.

President: Boris, please tell Vlad, “I miss him.” Tell him my check is in the mail. And finally tell him I’ll see him in Moscow when things cool down here in the States.

Boris: Your request is as good as done. But how can ve help you here tonight.

President: Well some my advisors, like Bannon and some of my personal lawyers, have requested that I get some folks to act as filters on my Twitter account. To read my tweets before I post them. I thought you two could help me out.

Natasha: You type and we’ll read. I won’t let you press the button until it’s ready.

President: Here is one. “Prez thinking of declaring Billy Bush Day a national holiday. All government employees required to take a bus to work on that day.”

Boris: Sorry greatest leader of the free vorld, “Too soon.”

President: Great job Boris. I was only testing you. That was a joke!

President: How about this, “Prez invites Kathy Griffin and Tyler Shields to White House for picture shoot.”

Natasha: Vell I think the American people still have blood coming out of their eyes, blood coming out of their…vherever, based on her last photo of you, I think she has not done enough begging for forgiveness. Redemption ain’t cheap. Hold that tweet for a month or two.

President: Natasha you are not only cute but you have a way with words. I love your accent and your tweets. You Russian gals have amazing figures. I will always remember my last nights in Moscow.

Natasha: Boris, dahling you look so tired. Vhy don’t you go back to our bedroom, Vhile Donald and I vork out some new tweets. The president looks like he needs a neck massage. This job is puttin a lot of stress on him. I’ll be up in a little vhile.

Narrator: As Boris gloomily leaves the presidential living quarters, Natasha stands behind the president, with her hands massaging his shoulders and neck. Don’t touch that dial. Stay tuned for our next episode to find out what pops up next in the Adventures of Boris and Natasha.

What the readers are saying:

I reed this vith best Russian accent imitation of Boris I know. Very funny, must go now need to spy on moose und sqvurrel. Dasvedanya komrad! — Maurice
Funny.—Barry

Keep it going Mort. You are on a roll.—Ricki

I love this—excellent writing and so funny.Mort Laitner thank you for writing and posting — I hope to be able to read your next piece —Stiletto  Davis—A dominatrix who writes erotica.

Hysterical.—Elaine

Keep it up. Funny and Sad!—Cary

Mort, Oh My God!
This is hilarious so precise and to the point. I pictured everything while reading. Woh! You must send this some place. I always remarked on Trump’s posture, what a shame.—Gina

I reed this vith best Rrussian accent imitation of Boris I know. Very funny, must go now need to spy on mooose und sqvurrel. Dasvedanya komrad!
Thanks for sharing it my friend, happy writing, you are an excellent writer.—Gina

Very cute.—Steve

You have a talent.—Jim

Only Historians—A Mort Laitner Poem

I saw the severed head, covered in blood.

Not an ISIS act of terror but a photographic work of art.

The woman held the decapitation by the hair—like a trophy. But her quizzical look said, “What did I just do?”

This photo brought back college memories:  French History 101, La Révolution, la guillotine, la bastille, Marie Antoinette, Louis XVI, the Bastille, liberté, egalité, fraternité, “Let them eat cake”, the Women’s March on Versailles,”

A time when resistance and revolution put fear in the hearts of the 1%.

Fear of mobs!

Fear of clenched fists!

Fear of the hungry!

A time when cause and effect lunched on the Champs-Élysées.

Then a daughter of the 1% cried out for blood of the woman in the photograph. “She must

be taught a lesson. Off with her head.”

I saw the severed head of the comedian kicked down the national hallway and realized that the 99% never took French History 101.

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

What the readers are saying:

Interesting to read your story about Marie Antoinette. She was only 15 when she married Louis XIV and he was 16. When she was 37 her life ended~~~the guillotine!!

Don’t forget Hammurabi’s code—an eye for an eye and a head for a head!;)—Toby

Mort interesting take.—Maureen

Very good.— Terry

Interesting.—Laurie

Don’t you love it when they give you a percentage of how much you missed the mark?!! People love to judge and use numbers in their judgment. Don’t you love human behavior  —Steven

The Continuing Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle— Episode 4—The White House

 A Mort Laitner Satire

Narrator: When we last heard from the nefarious duo of Boris and Natasha, they were lamenting the loss of several White House operatives close to Agent Orange. They sat in their dacha awaiting their next assignment. Now we find them in the White House.

Natasha: Dahling, I can’t believe it. Pinch me. We are living in the Vhite House?

Boris: Natasha, before I pinch your sweet little Muscovite tush, allow me to introduce myself to these lovely people. My name is Boris Badenov and this is my beautiful partner, Natasha Fatale. In the 1960’s, ve vere Soviet spies. Ve now vork for Russia’s President Putin. He vas KGB just like us. His code name is Fearless Leader.

Natasha: Dahling, now please pinch me and tell me again how ve got here!

Boris: Of course, my skinny Slavic sesame seed. The Son-In-Law wanted a back channel to talk directly to our Fearless Leader. He wanted secret communications with us with no interference from the CIA or the FBI. In private meeting with our ambassador, he suggested that ve create a private secure line—for his and TFILs use. A secure channel in our D.C. embassy which would go directly to the Kremlin. Ve thought he was joking. Ve countered his crazy request with one of our own. We asked for our own private room in the Vhite House. To our amazement the Son-In-Law agreed.

Natasha: Ouch! That pinch hurt! But I’m still looking at our bed in the official residence and workplace of the POTUS. The home of some great leaders— JFK, LBJ and FDR. Ve are living in their home. A house of colors— with a blue room, a red room, and a green room. A house with politics— with a large right wing and a house with a sexual history— the infamous Lewinsky room.

Boris: My sweet skinny string bean, ve are so special. The Fearless Leader selected us for this special assignment. Monica had a room named after her but she never had her own room.  It’s  hard to believe, two lowly comrades in the president’s home located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C. (He points to their bed.) Who knows what Bill Clinton did in this bed.

Natasha: Well if we had agents living here during Bill’s tenure, ve would have gotten some explicit photos of him in compromising positions.

Natasha: Vell, ve better make good use of that bed. Who knows how long the Son-in-Law vill be in good stead with Agent Orange. Thing are happening so fast that it is making my head spin. Jared could be booted out of here at any time. We better enjoy every minute before the New York Times or the Washington Post finds out we are living here. Hurry let’s take a selfie of us in this room with the Andrew Jackson portrait in the background. We will post it on Facebook and everyone will think it is photoshopped.

Boris: You’re right, my delicious cumquat.  First some selfies, then some lunch in the State Dining Room , then let’s take a dip in the pool, then bowl a few games and tonight ve’ll catch a movie in the theater.

Natasha: Great idea my little three holed bowling ball. I hear they are playing “From Russia With Love”. I don’t think Bond ever spent a night in the White House.

Boris: I studied the luncheon menu and today they are serving borscht garnished with dill and a dollop of smetana (sour cream). I love how the white cream looks as it is surrounded by the red soup. It reminds me of Berlin in 1945. That sweet and sour taste will remind me of my grandma’s cooking. We are also eating chicken Kiev and the meal starts with vodka shots as an aperitif.

Natasha: Vith that menu I feel right at home. I can already smell the fried chicken. I can’t wait to see that tureen with the president seal emblazoned on it filled with our national soup. A few shots of vodka vill get those American tongues wagging. Who knows what ve vill learn.

Boris:  Here is our plan. Vhile Ve are having fun ve can plant some bugs, mingle vith the staff, make contacts and before ve go to bed send our daily report to Moscow.

Natasha:  Honey, You are my digital executive planner and those digits sure know how to pinch. 

Boris: Sorry for the bruise, my Siberian buttercup but you asked to be pinched. But remember honey, vhile ve reside in this beautiful home, ve have a golden opportunity to get the moose and squirrel.

What the readers are saying:

Be careful, Counselor. Such humor could find you deported to Moscow and held in the Lubyanka… :)—Avi

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