Amalek—A Mort Laitner Short Story

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“Amalek” by Mort Laitner

On Rosh Hashanah, I stood in the temple, faced the Torahs and stared at the rabbi.

This old learned man bar mitzvahed my three sons using the Torahs that I faced.

He had retired from one temple and he now held a part-time job at a newly-formed congregation.

I recalled when thick black hair rested atop his head and a black beard covered his jowls.

Now white fuzz fully eclipsed those once dark regions.

Now he wore wire-rimmed glasses and he appeared to see life through clear thin lenses.

Eye glasses that pinched the sides of his nose, but allowed him to keep reading torah.

Now on Rosh Hashanah, my rabbi covered his body in a white kittel and his head in a white kippa.

A body he kept fit by exercising in the “J” four days a week,

For his life extension, he had a plan of action.

But gravity took a toll on his body, compressing his spine so as to shave off an inch of his five-foot-six-inch frame.

As I continued to stand, my back prayed for the Torahs to be placed back into the ark, so I would be allowed to sit.

Now my eyes darted off the rabbi and focused at temple’s two torahs.

These hand-written parchment scrolls were covered in laws and white cloth. They contained instructions on a Jewish way of life.

Written on each of these scrolls were 613 commandments.

Who knew so many commandments?

Not this High Holiday Jew.

Not this lobster and bacon eating Jew.

How many of these commandments did I know?

How many of these commandments did I obey?

How many did the rabbi obey?

Assignment: Read the 613.

Now I pictured another rabbi.

A Charlottesville rabbi running out the back door of his temple, clutching a torah, as screaming Nazis brandishing lit torches marched past his temple’s front door.

I pictured the Virginia rabbi’s fight-or-flight response to this existential threat.

I pictured the acute stress running across the rabbi’s pale face.

I pictured his darting dilated pupils reflecting yellow flames of victimhood.

I pictured his tight bleeding lips as he tasted fear for the first time.

I pictured Kristallnacht and wondered how many rabbis were murdered running down German streets holding Torahs as their kippa and tallit fell on the blood soaked cobblestones.

I pictured the Nazis confiscating all guns and weapons possessed by German and Austrian Jews on week before The Night of Broken Glass.

I pictured disarmed Jews rendered defenseless unable to protect their Torahs, their temples, their families.

I wondered why the Charlottesville rabbi failed to take any precautions when he knew Nazis would march in front of his temple?

No contingency fund for protecting the temple from torch-bearing Nazis?

Where were his congregants who had been trained by Israeli IDF snipers?

Where in the temple was his locked box cache of military hardware stored?

The rabbi remembered buying black and white IDF PARATROOPERS t-shirts emblazoned with wings, a parachute and a Magen David. 

He gave them as gifts to the graduates of Hebrew High but now thought the t-shirt should have been accompanied with an Uzi.

I thought:

Had he not studied the Holocaust in rabbinical school?

Had he not been taught that we are the people of the Old Testament.

What drugs did they take in college that allowed them to forget the past.

Had he not read about the number of temples  which were burnt to the ground with their congregants locked inside. 

Did he not know the Nazis outlawed Jews from possessing weapons?

Had he not studied the 613 laws?

All he was prepared to do was run out the back door cradling the Torah to his chest.

Some plan!

I wanted to raise my hand in temple and ask my rabbi:

“If screaming, torch-bearing Nazis were out front, would you run out the back door holding a torah?”

“Rabbi, during your High Holiday speech you never addressed this question. Why?”

“Rabbi, do you have a Nazi-attacking-temple plan of action or a torah-removal-emergency written procedure for such an event?”

I wanted to raise my hand and say:

Calling the local police is not a plan.

Hiring one armed security guard is not a plan.

Buying an El Al plane ticket to Ben Gurion is not a plan.

Buying Torah destruction coverage is not a plan.

“Rabbi have you ever even thought about what you would do?”

“Rabbi, what do the Torah’s 613 commandments instruct you to do on handling Nazis carrying burning torches in front of a synagogue?

So Rabbi, I have studied the 613 rules and here is what I learned:

That those engaged in warfare shall not fear their enemies nor be panic-stricken by them during battle. Deut. 3:22, 7:21 20:3

Panic-stricken means running out the back door.

Always to remember what Amalek did. (Deut. 25:17)

The Nazis are yesterday’s and today’s Amaleks.

That the evil done to us by Amalek shall not be forgotten. (Deut. 25:19)

Never again!

To destroy the seed of Amalek. (Deut. 25:19)

And so it is written in our Torah and so it is conveniently ignored.

So on this Rosh Hashanah, I stood in the temple, faced the Torahs and wanted to ask at the rabbi:

And how do you decide which of the 613 commandments to follow, since all were supposedly given by G-d to Moses?

What is your plan?

 

If this blog made you think please share.

If it did not, share it with your rabbi.

For more reading and to learn more about the author please visit mortlaitner.com

What the readers are saying:

1.  Please remove me from your email list. 

I do not want any further communication from you. —Rabbi Menachem
2. Great write Mort and very thought provoking!
It is scary as hell Mort and very realistic! We can hope for
“Nevermore” but can we prevent events and hatred
that have plagued our people throughout our existence
That is one of many questions!???????—Toby
 
3. What a story/truth! Thx for sharing Mort. —Eva

4. NEVER AGAIN!!!!—Steve

5. Congratulations.—Brenda

6. Nice tale, thanks, Counselor—Avi

7. Well done!!—Cari

8. Excellent.— Barbara

9. Congratulations. You deserve it.—Gina

10. Thumbs up.—Ken

 

 

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September 22, 2017

WTF—A Mort Laitner Essay

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I turn on the TV and a  whole bunch of torch-waving Nazis are chanting,

“Jews will not replace us!”

I listen as the commentators mock the Nazis for marching with Walmart Tiki torches.

WTF!

 Is that the best these pundits can do?

Pick on the Nazis for their tackiness.

The talking heads forget to analyze the JWNRU quote.

I think— over their heads, no historical perspective (Nuremberg laws— jobs and blondes), too close to some invisible line.

WTF are those Nazis screaming about?

We’re standing next to you in the unemployment line.

We’re driving the Uber next to your pickup. (Pickups don’t qualify as Ubers.)

We’re flipping McDonalds while you’re boxing the Happy Meals.

We’re greeting Walmart customers while you’re stocking shelves.

We’re lying prone on the same rifle range, blowing the same ammo.

You can’t replace us (Defined: take the place of someone) when you are already in the same place.

Well then, are Nazis howling about replacing “The Jews” in fields of science, economics, the arts, computer technology?

Here you have a problem.

Suckers, ya gotta pay some dues before you invent something.

I haven’t seen any American Nazi as leaders in nuclear physics or bioengineering.

I haven’t seen any famous American Nazi doctors, lawyers, college professors and Nobel prize winners? 

Forget about replacement for just one second and just think up one name.

Well, there aren’t any.

They don’t exist.

You may ask why?

Because racism does not require brains or a degree.

Just the ability to march, to chant and to carry torches.

Just the ability to drive cars into humans.

Just the ability to hate.

You’re a breed of bigots who have studied how the Nazis kicked us out of the line. (See Nuremberg laws)

Which makes you:

wannabe line-jumpers;

wannabe gate closers;

a breed of fear-mongers who are too lazy to earn the job.

Obviously, your abusive parents failed to  teach you that:

 you gotta get the degree to get the job;

 you gotta be seated on the bench to get to play on the field;

that there are consequences for your actions and inactions.

But you Nazis may be right in a small way.

Jews will not replace you in the art of intimidation, nor bullshit, nor in the field of lies.

Jews will not replace you in the college of bigotry and hatred.

Thank G-d!

Please share,

 

What the readers are saying:

Right on Brother!—Eva

So true Mort but the people who need to read this won’t.—Kim

The truth may be hard for some to swallow but you tell it like it is! Thank you Mort!—Toby

What’s crazy is I had this visualization in the last hour & called a friend. Mine had pitchforks, broomsticks & other gardening tool’s in a walk to our State Capital.—Camille

Well written and thank you.—Hiram

Yeah!!!—Shulamith

Mort, a very powerful essay!!—Marianne

Hi Mort, Another good one. —Ricki

Good Mort!—Ulrich

Great.— Barbara

Well said.—Elaine

Jason— The word Nazi seems to be the new word of the month. Prior words being Racist, Alt right, tea baggers etc…..
Brian— TURN OFF THE TV !
AmberActually pickups can used as an uber car . You sound like a bigot. Like all country southern people drive pickups and are Nazis
Jason— Makes a post complaining about bigotry by being a bigot
 
JujuOuch. Who would they hate w/o the Jews.
Ed — I don’t want to replace them at their convenience store jobs.

 

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September 3, 2017

“Our Boy” Satire by Mort Laitner

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After learning that the Russian government officials were referring to #45 as “Our Boy”, I realized that this was an opportunity to make some fast money.

I knew that one of the Donald’s most lucrative clothing lines— baseball caps was making him a ton of moolah. Note to readers: Google Donald Trump’s tax returns to learn how much he makes in the chapeau business.  

I quickly called my trademark attorney. “I want the trademark for “Our Boy” ASAP.

I hit Go Daddy app and registered “OurBoy.com”.

I researched all American factories manufacturing Trump caps. Finding none. I smacked myself in the head, remembering all of the Trump’s clothing lines had “Made in China” labels.

I hired a graphic artist. Here what she recommended, “Go with the colors of the Russian flag: white, blue, and red. Go masculine by adding the gold colored two-headed eagle on the backside of the cap. Macho sells!”

“Sounds good so far,” I replied.

 “Adding the number 45 may be over the top but his crazy base is infatuated with numerology. The good news is I think the Russian oligarchs will buy a million of them, ” she continued.

Here is when it hit me. Those damn Russian oligarchs would violate my trademark— mass produce my hats and I would never see a ruble.

Then I pictured it in my head: I turn on CNN, their Moscow reporter is surrounded by all these locals and tourists. They’re  wearing fake or better said counterfeit “Our Boy” hats. The reporter points and asks the obvious, ” Why are you wearing that baseball cap?”

The local resident in broken English responds, “Here ve all know the Donald is controlled by Putin. He traded power for money when Putin agreed to allow him to build Trump Moscow hotel and condos in Red Square. The cap tells the vorld the whole story in two vords. Your American president is now “our boy”. Russia owns him.

Then my iPhone blasted Back in the USSR. As the Beatles sang, I ran to get the cellular.

“Mort here, how can I help you?’

Mort, sorry to tell you the bad news. The Trump organization all ready got the trademark for “Our Boy”.

“Damn it. Foiled again! ” I replied. “Thanks anyway for the info. Maybe next time.”

But before hanging up, from somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I belted out:

Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
They leave the west behind
And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
That Georgia’s always on my my my my my my my my my mind.

The trademark attorney chimed in, “Thanks Mort. The last time I heard that song it was on a 45.”

Please share. Humor is the best medicine.

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August 31, 2017