As the former president rose from his bed, he stretched his torso, farted, and dislodged his eye boogers.
Then he asked his valet, “Matt, have you checked my GoFundMe page? Have we hit a million dollars?”
“Boss, I checked a few minutes ago and no you haven’t hit a million yet. But you’re getting there. Once you hit the million mark, you’ll only have 353 million bucks to go.”
Trump inhaled, smiled and thought, “My gas smells so sweet! I have the sweetest flatulence of all American presidents.”
“Matt, have you read last night’s emails?”
“Of course, Boss. Some of your fans, the ones that bought those gold sneakers, wrote that they’re embarrassed to send money to your GoFundMe page. It makes it hard for them to tell their friends that you’re a successful, billionaire businessman and send you cash at the same time.”
“Write them back and tell them that it’s my strategy to find out who my real supporters are. I’m taking names of GoFundMe donors to help me pick future cabinet members. You know that loyalty means the world to me.
For my fans that claim that my fundraising platform is an embarrassment, tell them to visit my GoFuckMe crowdsourcing site.”
The Donald laughed at his own joke.
“My critics say I don’t have a sense of humor. But I know I’m the funniest president in American history.”
Matt followed suit and then said, “Some fans are saying that you’re a genius for coming up with the GoFundMe scheme. While others are worried that GoFundMe will remove you from their pages because they no longer support legal defense funds.”
“Tell them not to worry. That ain’t gonna happen to me. I sent emails to the GoFundMe execs telling them, ‘If you dare remove my request for funds, you’ll end up swimming with the fishes and when I’m back in office the IRS will audit you and if you ever want to see your kids again you better not do it.’”
“Wow Boss, those are some pretty harsh words.”
“I had to show them that I meant business. I need every penny I can get.”
“Boss, before I bring you your coffee and your McDonald’s bacon, egg and cheese biscuit, do you need anything else?”
“Yeah, last night, did that clown, Laitner, post any derogatory blogs about me in The Times of Israel ?”
“No Boss.”
And The Donald smiled.
—
