“The Safe” Political Satire by Mort Laitner
The last time we saw our nefarious duo, Boris and Natasha, they were in NYC and headed to Trump Tower in an attempt to whack Mr. C before he flipped.
Due to the heroic efforts of Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Moose, Mr. C escaped injury and flipped.
Fearless Leader immediately gave his spies a new rush assignment in the Big Apple.
“My Russian comrades, you must immediately break into CEO David J. Pecker’s office in AMI (American Media Inc.) headquarters, home of the infamous supermarket tabloid the National Enquirer and crack open, vhat is commonly referred to as the “Trump safe.” remove or destroy any incriminating evidence of my activities with the President.
“You must also place this document in the safe.”
“You must do this before Pecker flips or Mueller’s FBI agents get to that safe.”
Note to reader: Notice that Pecker and Rocky both have the same middle initial. What a cowinkdink.
“Boris, my safe cracking commie, did you bring all of your tools?
“Of course! my beautiful Bolshevik babe. I’ll have the safe opened lickety-split.
“Voilà!” Boris exclaimed as he proudly swung open the safe’s door.
Natasha started to catalogue its contents.
“Item one: 8″x10″ glossy photo of Trump’s alien space baby and receipt for $30,000 Martian dollars, a check made out to Dejah Thoris, Princess of Helium and a fully executed catch and kill story contract.”
“I often vondered vhy Trump vas so interested in the Space Force,” Boris commented as he rubbed his chin.
Item two: photo and tape recording of Elvis’ ghost in Lincoln bedroom giving President advice on how to avoid impeachment.
Item three: Trump’s 2016 tax return.
Item four: Trump’s contract with Putin for one billion dollars in exchange for unspecified services.
“Nothing else in the safe,” Natasha whispered.
“Damn it! Foiled again! Boris yelled. “Moose and squirrel got here before us.”
“Hurry, let’s get out of here before the cops get us.”
“But before you throw the Fearless Leader’s note into the safe, let’s read it.”
Boris read out loud;
Witch hunt! No collusion! No conspiracy! I am innocent of all crimes and the best president the United States ever had.
“Boris, throw the note in the safe and let’s get the hell out of here.” Natasha sighed.
