“A Day In The Life” A Mort Laitner Short Story

 

“A Day In The Life” — A Mort Laitner Short Story

I fear assisted-living facilities. I loath their Pine-sol smell. I hate their attempted appearance of normalcy. It rankles my nerves. I disdain canes, walkers, wheel chairs, hearing aides and anything else related to old age. 

 I fear  joining this club of aged fellow travelers. I have already paid my dues. My membership card is covered with grey hairs, age spots and arthritic pinkies.

I fear old age, pain and dying.

I fear not doing mitzvahs.

I believe in mitzvahs, miracles and G-d.

Therefore, I find myself walking into this five star assisted-living facility to lecture about my life, my books and my movie.

I am here as an entertainer, a storyteller and a man charged with the role of transporting those in attendance to a better place for the short period of one hour. I know I will need all my skills and G-d’s help to win them over.

These crowds are tough. Raconteurs draw yawns, walkouts and deep sleep. I have been there. It ain’t no stage for sissies.

Many attendees have lost their ability to laugh, as if chronic arthritis fractured their funny bone. 

Their bladders, their attention span and their hearing aids are all a little off kilter.

Clapping hurts their hands.

But I do not complain. For I know, once I start bellyaching, I will automatically become a member of their tribe. Many of these folks love to complain. That’s all they got left. They must complain for it is their greatest pleasure. Their raison d’être. They think complaining is fun.

I wonder, “In what part of their bodies has G-d placed their complaining bone? Is there a level in hell for this group of kvetchers?

I also believe G-d has a sense of humor—having experienced it first hand on numerous occasions. Many folks (especially some of the folks in this facility) don’t appreciate or understand. (think election) his sense of humor but I have developed a taste for it. His funny bone is as sharp as his sword.

Walking through the lobby my bones ache, but rather than complaining, I take the time to study the resident’s faces. Each face tells a story. Each face asks eternal questions. Each face speaks to me:

Why am I here?

What did I do to deserve this ending?

Why didn’t I go on more vacations?

Will I have enough money to stay in this place?

G-d I wish I had taken more risks, especially with women.

Should I have prayed more?

Why does the food in this place suck so bad?

Should I have been better to my kids?

Why did my kids dump me in this place?

Do I complain too much?

What do I have to be thankful for?

Why did you take my loved ones away from me?

Who am I?

Who are all these people?

G-d I blew it totally and I ain’t gonna have another shot. Am I right?

G-d, why didn’t you give me more brains, more courage, more money, more simpatico, better looks?

Why must my last days be so goddamn boring?

Should I go to listen to the author in the auditorium?

Should I have done more good deeds?

 G-d is it mea culpa?

I stop examining faces fearing that any more questions will force me run out the door.

 I walk toward the elevator, thinking, “I believe in karma”. I believe that doing good deeds reaps happiness. That’s why I am here today.

My harvest of karmic happiness arrives fast and furious. 

Next to the elevator door, I scan the facility’s monthly calendar. I read, “December 14th at 1:00 Nova Lifelong Learning lecture, Auditorium, “A Hebraic Obsession“.

I smile.

As I arrive on the third floor, the elevator doors open and I see a newspaper rack filled with Jewish Journals. I pick one up and skip through the pages. On page five, I read, “Author presenting Hanukkah children’s book.” There it is. The article I have been waiting for. My “Hanukkah Bunny” has gotten some press. 

I smile.

I enter the  large auditorium—fifty seats, a stage, a movie screen, a microphone. The stage is decorated for Hanukkah and Christmas. Potted holly plants and small fir trees line the front of the stage, I place my posters front and center. I put my books in front of each plant. I take great pride in my decorative skills—“A Hebraic Obsession” books juxtapostioned next to small Christmas trees.

I smile.

I meet Victor. He works the facility’s audio-visual equipment.

“Victor, can you set up my DVD?”

“Sure.” he replies.

He sets up the film and does a test run. All is well.

I smile.

At 1:00 pm, I scan the crowd— happy to count 25.

I introduce myself and the film.

“Victor, please to turn off the lights and turn on the movie.”

“Victor, why is there no sound?”

G-d laughs.

I talk. They listen.

I joke and halleluiah some of the ladies in the room give me the blessing of loud belly laughs.

My day is made.

I talk and observe one man sleeping with his mouth open.

I smile.

I talk and one man gets up holding his walker and leaves the room.

I wonder, “Bladder issue?”

I conclude.

They do not clap. Remember it hurts their hands.

Five attendees come forward, “Thanks for the lecture. We really enjoyed it.”

I smile.

One lady in the crowd yells out, “Are you going to give us a free copy of that “Hanukkah Bunny” book?

I nod, no.

I pack up my books, my posters and my karma.

Heading for the elevator, I whistle a happy tune.

As I walk through the lobby, I see the back of one of the ladies from the audience. She is talking to a bunch of residents who were not at the lecture.

I slow down to hear her.

“It was a terrible lecture. I should not have gone. He wasted my time. All he wanted to do is sell his books?”

I stop whistling and G-d laughs.

I am standing behind her and the ladies listening to her are cracking up. They know who I am and she continues to complain.

Smiling, I interrupt her,” Ladies you should have been there. You would have loved the lecture.

The complainer turns around to address me.

“Well, I couldn’t hear you!”

“If you had asked, I would have stood next to you for the full hour. I was going to give you a free copy of the bunny book but because of your bellyaching I am not.”

As I walk toward the exit, I start to whistle again.

G-d smiles.

 

What the readers are saying:

Good morning Mort.

Please share with your friends and especially all the complainers in your life.

Hanukkah approaches.

Buy “The Hanukkah Bunny” and get a free stuffed rabbit all for $13.00 shipping and handling included.

View a 39-second film trailer at https://mortlaitner.com/the-stairs/.

Hot of the presses Mort’s latest book, “The Greatest Gift— Award Winning Stories Filled with Life Lessons” or $10.00 on Amazon

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For Autographed copy send $14.00 to address below.