The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, 1920 silent horror movie, Wikimedia Commons (public domain)

I yell out the window, as if I have a role in Network, “Donald J. Trump is driving me crazy!”

And berserk.

And paranoid.

And completely out of my mind.

And with the election only 206 days away, that’s pretty, pretty scary.

And it’s not only me.

The Donald is driving my friends nuts.

I keep hearing them say, “That son-of-a-bitch is driving me fucking crazy.”

And I wonder, “Is he driving Joe crazy?” I hope not.

And I know from your comments on my blog, that you fear your descent into madness caused by our insane clown-faced buffoon.

I know you fear that the orange orangutan is trying to splice the mentally-ill gene into your DNA.

I know you love freedom and I know that Donald wants you institutionalized so you won’t be able to cast your vote for Joe.

Yup, The Donald, decked out in a clean white coat, is driving us all to his funny farm.

Yes, this deranged and demented ex-president is at the wheel of one of those white, Ford, mental health paddy wagons, with the words: Trump’s Funny Farm painted in orange on the side panels. And from within the ambulance, we hear the radio blaring out Napoleon XIV singing:

They´re coming to take me away,
Haha, they´re coming to take me away,
Ho ho, hee hee, ha ha,
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I´ll be happy to see
Those nice young men
In their clean white coats
And they´re coming to take me AWAY,
HA HAAAA

As Trump drives, you cry realizing, “We’re not going to lock him up, but rather, he’s gonna lock us away.”

A scary thought, isn’t it?

In the ambulance, Donald sings, “Insanity loves company.”

“But Donald, we don’t want to hang out with you,” we reply.

Especially not in your Trump-owned mental hospital. Where we’re forced to watch you greedily smelling, tasting and touching our Medicare dollars as they roll into your coffers.

An institution where your name appears in large gold letters which are secured in cement to the roof of the building.”

I know you’re imagining the name, Trump’s Home For The Mentally Ill and Residential Towers.

What an idea.

A Trump Tower housing folks unhinged by Donald Trump himself.

A tower where Fox News clips of the loser run for 24 hours a day which causes the inmates to foam at the mouth and howl at the moon.

I ask you good foaming and howling folks the following questions:

“How many of us, Democrats, have already been committed to mental health institutions because of the nut job’s words and actions?”

Is the National Center for Health Statistics keeping track of the numbers?

How many votes has Joe lost due to Trump Narcissistic, Sociopathic and Psychopathic Syndrome?

To no surprise, the Donald shows no remorse for our pain and suffering. The bully laughs at our weaknesses.

Causing me to wonder, “Can I sue the bastard for intentional infliction of crazy on me?”

And as Trump’s poll numbers tank, what other crazy things will this despotic, desperate, demon do to prevent us from voting?

Will he hawk pills, vaccines, food supplements, topical sprays and gummies claiming that they’ll give us longevity, when they’ll really cause us to sleep through election day.

I pause when I see a black and white yin yang painted across my brain. My brain whispers a secret, “Crazy is good, for we will be obsessed with voting, donating, canvassing and working for Joe to win.”

I smile, walk toward the window, open it and yell:

“Joe’s going to win! Joe’s going to win! We’re going to win!”

I sat at my desk, sipping my coffee and opening my emails. I found one from the White House. I took a second to stare at the beauty and simplicity of the White House emblem, then I read:

Dear Mort,

Since President Biden is one of your biggest fans, he asked me to contact you for a personal favor. Joe’s requesting that you write a reply to Trump’s request to debate him. Joe said he knows you will do him this favor based upon your obsession with the Donald.

So please email us your draft of Joe’s reply (no longer than 900 words) within the next two weeks. After Joe reads and mulls over your words, we’ll advise you if he’s going to run with it.

Thanks for helping us beat that dumb-ass loser again.

Signed: Chief of  Staff —Joe Biden’s 2024 Re-election Campaign.

BTW, Joe told me to tell you that he reads your blog in The Times of Israel almost every day and when he does he usually laughs his head off.

———————————————————–

I immediately started writing; here’s my work-product.

Dear Mr. Donald J. Trump:

I am sorry to inform you that I will not engage in any debate with you this election season. I do so for the following twenty-two (22) reasons:

1. You’re attempting to destroy democracy, freedom and liberty and joking about it;

2.  You’ve taken away a woman’s right to choose and you’re proud of it;

3. You’re an insurrectionist and a traitor to this great nation;

4. You have never read the Constitution but you say, “It must be destroyed”;

5. You say you want to declare yourself dictator on day one; make yourself  president for the rest of your life; as president you will have no choice but to lock up your political opponents;

6. Well Mr. Authoritarian Wannabe, you ain’t no Putin and I don’t debate snakes who threaten to imprisonment me;

7. You pardoned your criminal cronies and friends and you have promised, if elected to pardon the jailed insurrectionists;

8. You watched and did nothing as people died and were injured on 1/6/21;

9. You’re an evil, lying son-of-a bitch and a fraud;

10. You wouldn’t know the truth if it hit you in the balls with a hammer;

11. You smell like a leaking diaper;

12. You’re trying to get your minions to harm me. (See your hog-tie post you posted on Truth Social);

13. You think the honorable members of our armed forces are suckers and losers;

14. You said, “Hell No, I Won’t Go” to your draft board; claiming you have bone spurs;

15. You hawk Bibles, a book that you have never read, while claiming to be a billionaire.

16. I never debate sneaker salesmen, nor clowns, nor psychos;

17. You think the Ten Commandments are a joke and you break them at will;

18. You want to abolish the FBI, the CIA, the Justice Department and the Department of Education;

19. You sleep with porn stars, while your wife is home taking care of your baby;

20. You’re a terrible example for our children;

21. To debate you would make me a hypocrite;

22. As a thief, who has stolen top secret documents and hid them in your bathroom, you are totally unworthy of the honor of being in my presence;

Donald, I will reconsider modifying my response to debating, if you commit in writing and do the following things.

Publically apologize to:

Senior citizens for threatening to take away their Social Security Benefits;

The hundreds of thousands victims of COVID that died because of your ignorant advice;

The young ladies of Texas who can’t get abortions because of your appointments to the Supreme Court;

Immigrants for calling them animals;

For separating immigrants at our borders from their babies and then putting them in cages, without proper food or medical supplies;

For making Americans listen to children cry and scream as they are separated from their mothers and fathers;

The people of Ukraine for allowing Putin to try steal their democracy, freedom and country;

NATO and our European allies for threatening to pull the US out of this alliance;

America’s middle-class tax payers for giving the one percent a trillion dollar tax break;

The Moscow prostitutes you paid to watch them pee on a bed that Barack and Michelle Obama slept in;

Stormy Daniels who you called a liar after you paid her for sexual favors;

To Evangelicals for making them agents of the Devil;

To the 35 women you accosted, molested or raped;

The family of Brian Sicknick, Capitol police officer who died because of the events you caused on  January 6, 2021;

All American Jews for your anti-Semitic wisecracks and tropes and for dining with the head of America’s Nazi Party and for lighting the fuse on America’s anti-Semitic time bomb;

Puerto Ricans for throwing them paper towel like they were a bunch of seals;

Haitian-Americans,  El Salvadorians and Africans for calling their place of birth,  shithole nations.”

Americans for trying to make the USA a banana republic;

People with disabilities that you mock;

The American people setting a standard as the cruelest, dumbest and most narcissistic president in American history;

The media for your disparaging remarks about their profession.

Therefore, Donald, to make this email simple enough for your minuscule brain to understand, when it comes to debating you, “Hell No, I Won’t Go!” because I hate your fucking guts. I despise you and everything you represent. You belong in hell with all the miscreants that support you. I hope I beat your butt so badly that you’ll crawl back into the hole from where you came and slither your way back to the gates of Hell.

Sincerely yours,

Signed: Joe Biden, President of the United States

Speaking at the Sneaker and Bible Hawkers Convention in Kiss-My-Butt, Arkansas, Donald Trump told Republican voters to stay home on election day if they’re going to hold their noses when they vote for him.

Wearing his signature, $399.00 “Never Surrender” Gold Hi Tops, Trump told the crowd, “I’d rather not have those people voting for me than having the media showing pictures of them with their thumbs and index fingers squeezing their proboscises while they’re pulling voting machine levers . It’s embarrassing! And as all of you are well aware, I’m not easily embarrassed.”

Trump then picked up one of  his $59.99 America-and-G-d-Vote-for-Trump Bibles, waved it high in the air, as if  he was an Evangelical preacher and ranted, “You know what people will think, when they see those pictures on TV? They’ll think I stink. They’ll think I wear diapers. They’ll think I don’t use Trump Cologne and Trump Underarm Deodorant. Some folks may think my policies stink or that my credit stinks or that my crude behavior stinks or that my brilliant ideas stink or that I have halitosis or worst of all that my money stinks. My money smells real damn good. My sneakers don’t reek. Even the gases that escape from my mouth and my asshole don’t stink. Flatulence, smatulence, my gases don’t smell. You can ask two of my three wives. They’ll tell you the truth.

If you can’t vote for me without holding your noses, stay home on November 5th. I’d rather lose to Biden than have people think I stink.

You know, I bet that the Dems will hire actors, dress them in MAGA outfits, and tell them to walk around polling stations holding their noses. The media will eat it up.  Now that’s Democratic stinkin’ behavior. I would never stoop that low.”

Trump raised his left arm, craned his neck in the direction of his armpit and proclaimed,    “G-D KNOWS I DON’T STINK!” Biden smells to high heaven but his supporters aren’t holding their noses.

Trump howled like a constipated banshee, “If any of you good sneaker sellers or bible thumpers what to take a whiff, come on up to the podium and have a smell. I promise you I smell as clean as an angel or Barbie’s bush.”

Since no one took the Donald up on his offer.

The ex-president closed his speech by pleading, “Folks, before you leave this convention, please remember to buy my sneakers and while you’re at it, buy one or more of my bibles. They make great Easter gifts. And most importantly, remember that when you vote for me to keep your damn fingers away from your noses.”