“Hanukkah Candles” A Holiday Vignette by Mort Laitner
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, I setup the candles in my sterling-silver menorah. I place them in a straight even line, pressing the colored candles into their holding cups: red, green, yellow, and blue. I do not know if this color line is kosher but it pleases my eyes. The family watches as I strike the match, smell the sulfur and light the shamash. Then holding the kindler in a horizontal position, I light red, green, yellow, and blue.
By obeying one of his commandments, I believe that I have chased away the forces of darkness. I have kindled these allegedly kosher candles as the Maccabees lit the temple oil thousand of years ago.
We recite the blessings.
This is going to be a good year— no wax lands on my fingers.
But something is different. Something is wrong.
The five flames flutter faster than usual.
I raise my voice, “They will not last for the required thirty minutes. We’ll be lucky if they last for five. We will not have thirty minutes to bask in the glow of these festival lights. We will not have time to linger and contemplate their meaning.”
The flames fly off the wick as if they are being chased by a dybbuk. The wax melts faster than a mouth full of hot latkes. No air conditioner fans these flames.
I ask the family, “Are their interiors hollow? Are they made of a cheaper type of paraffin?”
Heads nod in agreement with my analysis.
I grab the box that once contained 44 candles. Affixed to the lid, a small white sticker reads, “99¢”.
I scream, “99¢! Who made these fast-burning, cheap demonic candles?”
I search the photo of a silver menorah which covers the front of the box. On each side of the shamash the candles are lined up: red, green, yellow, and blue,
I flip the box on its side. “Look at this, on the side of the box, the candle blessing in Hebrew and for those who can’t read Hebrew there are the words in transliteration. This is a shonda! A disgrace! A scandal to all self-respecting-Hebrew-school-attending Jews who have memorized these prayers since elementary school.
Serious nods of agreement follow my words.
“Who designed this box? Look at the bottom of the box. Hidden next to the bar code, it says, “Caution! Never leave burning candles unattended.” This is a warning that will never be read. These fast burners are a fire hazard. They are 44 house-burning demons placed in a box in China waiting to burn down an innocent Jewish home.”
Looks of concern surround the table.
I follow the train tracks painted on the bottom front panel of the box. The tracks lead to the words,”Chanukah Express.” I study the train and see a dreidel-shaped, white-capped engineer who smiles and waves at me. The train engine billows a blue cloud of smoke from the flame of one candle. Three attached box cars follow: respectively holding dreidels, Hanukkah gelt and a menorah. The caboose possesses a red dreidel, wearing a black hat who also waves at me. Is the black hat the dybbuk of the candle box? Is this Express headed to the gates of Hell?
“Were these candles purchased at Bed, Bath and Beyond?—for 99¢ with that 20% off coupon? No wonder they won’t last longer than a few minutes. Look what it says at the bottom of the box, ‘Made in China.’ What do the Chinese know about manufacturing Hanukkah candles?—Fireworks—Yes—Hanukkah candles—No.
Within minutes the candles are gone. As the wisps of black smoke rise toward the ceiling, my eyes follow the smoke and I query my family,”I am taking this holiday a bit too seriously?”
My ears are met with silence.
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