Self-Serving Drivel


“Self-Serving Drivel”

Humor By Mort Laitner

One of the pleasures of being a writer is reading and rereading your reviews on Amazon.

Some reviews make the hairs on your arms stand at attention as chills run down your spine.

While others cause smiles of pride to break-out across your face,

as you say, “Wow, they really got it. They understand me.”

But there are those critics that seek to stick long darning needles deep into the over-exposed balloon heart of a young writer.

Their reviews intend to inflict deep wounds—mortal wounds—to paralyze fingers and toxically burn creativity.

My thick skin, having been tattooed by many a critic, has become almost impenetrable.

So on a sunny day, I sit at the edge of my pool, with my iPad in hand, getting ready to see if there are any new Amazon reviews of my book.

I am happy to see a new arrival— number 57.

It awaits my perusal.

It is short and simple. Hemingway would be proud.

One Star

Headlined: Don’t waste your money

Self serving drivel!

Mark (no last name) Fort Lauderdale, Fl., US

“OUCH!!!, that stung like a venomous bee with a three-inch stinger.”

Headline: Arthropod Punctures and Pierces Author’s Heart

As I run to the medicine cabinet in search of my stinger-removal tweezers, I think,

“Mark, you arthropodic bastard, all writing is self-serving!

“Mark, you drooling, useless bore, put a hyphen between self and serving.”

“Mark, you cowardly lion, grow some cajones and put your last name on you review.”

Now that the stinger has been removed, I smile as I study Mark’s Amazon Wish List:

A 22-inch game mode monitor;

A Microsoft Office, Home and Student Key Card;

An Atari’s Greatest Hits— Missile Command.

I yell out loud, “Mark, when you get out of middle school try rereading my book!”

As I clicked between Mark’s Amazon’s— Your Lists and Your Friends, Mark’s last name suddenly appears on the screen for one-split second.

I type it down on my iPad Notes page, under To-Do List. Next to his full name I type:

Get Mark!


For more holiday reading buy a copy of Mort Laitner’s “A Hebraic Obsession” on Amazon. (While you are there read some of the book’s reviews.) For last minute shoppers remember the book makes a great gift.

To read more of Mort’s writing, while he is out looking for Mark, go to

What the readers are saying:

(Great to see readers in Italy, England and Romania) :

This made me smile. Totally off topic drivel is one of my favorite words.—Suraya

Watch out for pretend editors.—Tammy

Way to go Mort!— Eva


Meme—Two googly eyes—Cyn

Mark. A local kid.—Jason

True and touching. Forget Mark. He’s a jerk and a very illiterate one. —Ricki