“Safeword” Satire by Mort Laitner





“Safeword” By Mort Laitner

Part ten of the Boris and Natasha White House Chronicles

Author: Due to the violent nature of this vignette, I must warn all faint-of-heart readers not to read this story.

Narrator: A few days after the Stormy Daniels story broke. Donald invited Natasha to visit him in his White House  bedroom. It was around midnight and Natasha slipped into  her lucky pink baby dolls.

An hour later Natasha crawled back into bed with Boris.

Boris: Give me a full report on what happened. Give me all the details.

Natasha: Vhen I valked into the bedroom, Donald vas laying totally naked on the bed. Covering the bed vere satin sheets with the presidential seal imprinted on the them. His ass covered the center of the presidential seal.

Boris: Funny and ironic to think what that says about his respect for his job and the size of his ass.

 Natasha: Not only  that, the lamp on the nightstand had a shade emblazed with the presidential seal. Next to the lamp was his Boise sound system  which was playing Stormy by the Classics IV.

Boris: I remember that song. “You vere my sunshine, baby vhenever you smiled.

Oh stormy, oh stormy bring back that summer day.”

Natasha: Unlike you Boris, he knew all the vords, he belted them out and he knows how to sing.

On the nightstand he had a picture  of Stormy Daniels in all her glory. Donald’s little soldier vas standing at attention as he looked at the photo.

Boris: Stormy is one hot chick. I googled her vhen the story broke. She does some pretty, pretty vild things. How about that photo of them standing next to each with Donald smirking,

That face says it all: I’m boiking porn star Stormy Daniels. The man has no shame.

Natasha: The 8 x10 picture vas housed in a plastic photo frame. You guessed it with the presidential seal on it.  It looked like the cover of one of her porn film jackets. Next to the photo were crisp stacks of hundred dollar bills. The stacks vere vrapped in rubber bands; high enough that it could have equaled $130,000.That vas the amount of hush money she received for keeping quiet about her affair with the Donald. She got the cash right before the presidential election. 

Boris: I bet that vas the most she ever made for doing the nasty. But this story teaches one of life’s greatest adages.

Natasha: Which one is that?

Boris: Timing is everything.

Natasha: Next to the cash and the photo vas a rolled up Mad Magazine. The one with Hillary Clinton on the cover.

Now is when the story gets weird. Donald told me he wanted to be spanked vith the cash and the Mad Magazine until his bottom was red.

Boris:  Did he ask you to say anything vhile you spanked him.

Natasha: Vhen I flayed away with the cash I had  to scream “Donald!  I’m worth $130,000. That’s chump change to you—small potatoes!”

And with the rolled up Mad Magazine as I swung away I had to yell,” Donald your so much better than Bill. You beat my ass real good.”

Boris: Did he have a safevord in case you put to much power into your swing?

Natasha: Yup. You will never guess it. 

Boris: Beetlejuice or pineapple.

Natasha: Wrong. His safevord vas “Mueller.”

Boris: Damn it! I should have guessed that.

Natasha: After about five minutes he screamed “Mueller” and I stopped.

He said “Thanks”, I feel like tweeting, Why don’t you to go back to your room.

Boris: Very interesting. I did not know Mad Magazine ever put Hillary on its cover.




Still looking for a comic book artist to draw up my stories. Compensation to be discussed.




January 23, 2018

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