The Night Stand—Satire by Mort Laitner





“The Night Stand” by Mort Laitner

Narrator: We find our loving spies naked, under satin sheets in their West Wing bedroom.

Boris: Hey Google, play the theme from the movie, “Doctor Zhivago”.

Google: That song is only available for Google subscribers. Try “Lara’s Theme” by composer, Maurice Jarre, on the “Somewhere My Love” station.

Boris: Hey Google, play “Lara’s Theme”.


“Somewhere my love there will be songs to sing
Although the snow covers the hope of Spring
Somewhere a hill blossoms in green and gold
And there are dreams, all that your heart can hold
Someday we’ll meet again, my love
Someday whenever the Spring breaks through”

Natasha: Boris you are such a red, Russian romantic! I remember vhen ve vent to see the movie in Paris. I also remember the Pasternak’s book being banned in the Soviet Union for decades. I recall how you resembled a short Omar Sharif.

That movie vas a classic tale of love, betrayal and revolution.

Boris: My Zhivagoian Princess, you looked so beautiful in your black fox fur hat the night ve vere on the Champs-Élysées. I still have that  perfect photo of you standing under the Arc de Triomphe That film rates as an essential romance— just like “Casablanca” and “Gone with the Wind.” Speaking about the night, do you remember the night you spent vit the President.

Natasha: Of course my sveet-hearted Cossack with your large lance. That is a night I vill never forget.

Boris: By any chance did you get to see the contents of his night stand?

Natasha: Vhat type of spy do you think I am! Of course I did!

Boris: Vell vhat vas in their?

Natasha: The usual stuff: some K-Y, the expensive stuff—“Intense” the Pleasure Gel that Stimulates & Intensifies, a wand massager—the one with the velvet storage bag and lifetime guarantee and those little blue pills. You know the guy is in his seventies.

Boris: Anything else?

Natasha: A little red book entitled, “How to Become A Dictator”.

Boris: Did you have time to photograph its contents.

Natasha: No dahlink, the President’s entrance surprised me. But I read the table of contents.

Boris: I’m holding my breath. Vhat vere the headings?


One—Surround yourself with Generals—one day this strategy will payoff;

Two—Target weak minorities at every opportunity—fear and hatred are cousins;

Three—Target the Press–All negative stories are fake news;

Four—Create a media channel that will only espouse your propaganda;

Five—Lie so often that people don’t know when your telling the truth;

Six—Align yourself with corrupt and small-minded politicians. They can be easily be manipulated  or bought off. They will think that they will be pardoned if they get caught;

Seven–Only appoint judges who will swear a personal alliance to you;

Eight—Make the justice department jump on your command;

Nine—Attack the FBI and the CIA as corrupt. You can always privatize these agencies;

Ten—Say complimentary remarks about right-wing fascists, They will go to the streets for you;

Eleven—The corporations can be bought off  with tax cuts. They will pay you big dividends when reelection funds are needed.

Twelve—Take baby steps. Neither Rome nor Berlin were  built in a day.

Thirteen—Once in a while throw a bone to the left. They are as dumb as a golden retrievers.

Boris: Who is the author of this little red book.

Natasha: Our Fearless Leader of course! He autographed the book, “To my buddy Donald. Hope this road map works as well for you in the States as it worked for me in Russia.”

Narrator: As Boris pushed his head out from under the satin sheets, we hear him sing;

“Somewhere my love there will be songs to sing”. 

Boris contemplates love, betrayal and revolution as his hand blindly reaches into the night stand.

Author: Dear readers, what do you think my message is?






December 22, 2017

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