The Continuing Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle— Episode 4—The White House
A Mort Laitner Satire
Narrator: When we last heard from the nefarious duo of Boris and Natasha, they were lamenting the loss of several White House operatives close to Agent Orange. They sat in their dacha awaiting their next assignment. Now we find them in the White House.
Natasha: Dahling, I can’t believe it. Pinch me. We are living in the Vhite House?
Boris: Natasha, before I pinch your sweet little Muscovite tush, allow me to introduce myself to these lovely people. My name is Boris Badenov and this is my beautiful partner, Natasha Fatale. In the 1960’s, ve vere Soviet spies. Ve now vork for Russia’s President Putin. He vas KGB just like us. His code name is Fearless Leader.
Natasha: Dahling, now please pinch me and tell me again how ve got here!
Boris: Of course, my skinny Slavic sesame seed. The Son-In-Law wanted a back channel to talk directly to our Fearless Leader. He wanted secret communications with us with no interference from the CIA or the FBI. In private meeting with our ambassador, he suggested that ve create a private secure line—for his and TFILs use. A secure channel in our D.C. embassy which would go directly to the Kremlin. Ve thought he was joking. Ve countered his crazy request with one of our own. We asked for our own private room in the Vhite House. To our amazement the Son-In-Law agreed.
Natasha: Ouch! That pinch hurt! But I’m still looking at our bed in the official residence and workplace of the POTUS. The home of some great leaders— JFK, LBJ and FDR. Ve are living in their home. A house of colors— with a blue room, a red room, and a green room. A house with politics— with a large right wing and a house with a sexual history— the infamous Lewinsky room.
Boris: My sweet skinny string bean, ve are so special. The Fearless Leader selected us for this special assignment. Monica had a room named after her but she never had her own room. It’s hard to believe, two lowly comrades in the president’s home located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C. (He points to their bed.) Who knows what Bill Clinton did in this bed.
Natasha: Well if we had agents living here during Bill’s tenure, ve would have gotten some explicit photos of him in compromising positions.
Natasha: Vell, ve better make good use of that bed. Who knows how long the Son-in-Law vill be in good stead with Agent Orange. Thing are happening so fast that it is making my head spin. Jared could be booted out of here at any time. We better enjoy every minute before the New York Times or the Washington Post finds out we are living here. Hurry let’s take a selfie of us in this room with the Andrew Jackson portrait in the background. We will post it on Facebook and everyone will think it is photoshopped.
Boris: You’re right, my delicious cumquat. First some selfies, then some lunch in the State Dining Room , then let’s take a dip in the pool, then bowl a few games and tonight ve’ll catch a movie in the theater.
Natasha: Great idea my little three holed bowling ball. I hear they are playing “From Russia With Love”. I don’t think Bond ever spent a night in the White House.
Boris: I studied the luncheon menu and today they are serving borscht garnished with dill and a dollop of smetana (sour cream). I love how the white cream looks as it is surrounded by the red soup. It reminds me of Berlin in 1945. That sweet and sour taste will remind me of my grandma’s cooking. We are also eating chicken Kiev and the meal starts with vodka shots as an aperitif.
Natasha: Vith that menu I feel right at home. I can already smell the fried chicken. I can’t wait to see that tureen with the president seal emblazoned on it filled with our national soup. A few shots of vodka vill get those American tongues wagging. Who knows what ve vill learn.
Boris: Here is our plan. Vhile Ve are having fun ve can plant some bugs, mingle vith the staff, make contacts and before ve go to bed send our daily report to Moscow.
Natasha: Honey, You are my digital executive planner and those digits sure know how to pinch.
Boris: Sorry for the bruise, my Siberian buttercup but you asked to be pinched. But remember honey, vhile ve reside in this beautiful home, ve have a golden opportunity to get the moose and squirrel.
What the readers are saying:
Be careful, Counselor. Such humor could find you deported to Moscow and held in the Lubyanka… :)—Avi
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