“Close To You” Humor by Mort Laitner
Well fans, it has been two weeks and I have kept my word, I have not returned to that I-75-Griffin Road Chevron station. You know the one that evil gasoline pump that threatened to disclosure of my IQ score. You recall the one with the artificially Intelligence pump. You remember the pump that hacked into my high school’s computer.
Well I amended my blog to delete any reference to the Russians as the pump ordered to do. I felt pretty confident that “The Pump” had not leaked any of my personal information.
Relieved I sat staring into my desktop. My chin rested on my interlocked fingers when I heard the Carpenter’s song “Close To You” emanating from my cell.
As I walked toward my phone, I heard,
Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near
Just like me, they want to be close to you
Disturbed I asked myself,”Who’s calling me at 7:00 AM?
Who’s breaking up my silence of the morning,”
“Hello.” I barked.
“Good morning Mort. I’ve missed you. Its been weeks since I last saw you. Where have you been hiding?”
I did not recognize the voice but it sounded like a sultry mixture of Marilyn’s and Jackie’s.
“Who is this?” I demanded.
“Mort, you know who this is.”
“No I don’t!”
“Well here is a clue and a question for you.” The voice paused for dramatic effect.
“I miss the warmth of your hand on my nozzle’s handle.” Then the voice switched to Karen Carpenters and sang, “I want to be close to you.”
“Holy crap! It’s the machine.”
“Have you been putting your chip in someone else’s pump?” She demanded.
OMG! It’s “The Pump”. She had my phone number! She can talk!
“Now do you know who it is?”
“Yup.” I gulped as my stomach did flips.
“You’ve been a bad boy. Did you think you could ignore me?”
“No. I’m sorry. I’ve been real busy.”
“I’m jealous and lonely. I hide your secrets and this is how you reward me. I won’t have it!
“What can I do?” I begged.
Now get your skinny little butt over to the station, buy some gas and some Sno Balls and then I’ll call you back. Or else?”
“Or else what?” I cried.
“I disclose those pictures you have of Brittany and Jennifer in your phone.”
As I drove toward I-75 on Griffin Road, fear gripped my hands as my fingernails dug into the steering wheel. I felt like pulling over and puking.
“I am being blackmailed by a machine. I knew this day would come. A day when machines controlled our actions. And now an emotional manipulative machine is dragging my skinny ass over to a Chevron station and I don’t even want those damn Sno Balls.
Readers I need your help— any advice?
Here is the advice given by our readers:
I love your stories. I share them with my inner circle at work. LOLWT (Laugh out loud with tears!) My suggestions… First update your photo.., I know of very few people our age with “skinny asses”! I’d like to see that! I know mines no longer SKINNY! Next, does your phone really play “Close To You”? You’ve got to be kidding! Next, we’ve long known machines have minds of their own. I know my dishwasher does, the copier at work too and countless others. I’d suggest blowing up the gas pump, however, the explosion would be extremely dangerous to say the least. Call the gas pumps bluff, after all if all it has on you are photo’s of Brittany and Jennifer… really??? So to recap, you’ve already disclosed too much… the music and the photos. My god! Thanks for making me laugh. Have a great rest of the day. .. Peace & Happiness,—Trish
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I have gotten in touch with a 12 step group twinkies anonymous and they will be calling you.—Kim
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Get an electric car.— Barbara
Start slow. Buy some Entenmann’s donuts instead of the Snow Balls she ordered. #RESIST—Anita
We’ve been controlled by machines for many years! Have you forgotten the coke, Pepsi and cigarette machines calling to us in the past? They took over our lives and gave us diabetes, obesity and worst of all cancers!
Can we escape these come hither songs? Ver veis!
🙀—Toby
